Mama always said… “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”
Well Forrest, in my house, life is a box of swinging dicks and if you don’t watch out, you might get slapped in the face. Literally.
I woke up the other day with my three year-old’s twig and berries resting on my cheek. There was nothing cute or memorable about it. Just straight-up junk in my face. He also left a nice, large piss puddle in his bed for me to clean up. So, being the good mother that I am, I clean up the hot mess that smells like Port Authority in August, and witness my six year-old, Connor, get up and triumphantly exclaim ‘Ta Dah!’ at what his nocturnal functions produced…
A giant erection.
He, of course, then requests I take a picture of it and post to Facebook. This is all before 7am.
I’m a girl. I don’t have a penis. I don’t understand the all encompassing obsession boys & men have with the outies down under. But it is very obvious to me, that it means a lot to them. While we were getting ready for bed, Bobby, my three year-old, said “Mommy… sometimes I like to put my hands in my pants and touch my wiener… and maybe, just maybe, SOMETIMES my balls…” like that part is only for fancy occasions.
It was a very thoughtful, matter of fact statement. A truly sharing moment. Girls don’t do this. I don’t ask what everyone would like for dinner and then yell “after years of breastfeeding, I can no longer feel my nipples.” Nobody wants to hear that. Bath time – or what I like to call genital origami time – is really much more interesting than what I have going on.
The bat, the brain and the weasel are all crowd favorites. And when you’re a little boy, everything is more fun when you’re naked.
Music playing… time to get naked. Wii turns on…. naked. Playing on the computer… naked. Dinner… naked. Apparently there is no occasion that’s off limits.
Maybe it’s because they are so focused on themselves, that I didn’t even think twice about covering up my fun-bags and the Sherwood Forest. This is, until recently, when Connor told Bobby that mommy doesn’t have a penis, but rather a butt that reaches from belly button to spine, and that daddy uses dog hair to keep his penis warm… especially when he comes out of the shower (their words, not mine, I swear!)
So. I’m thinking that sometime soon, me and my giant bilateral ass crack are going to have to go under wraps, even though I’ll still be given a daily front row seat to the midget remake of ‘The Full Monty.’
I like to tell myself that one day I’ll miss all of this tomfoolery. But who am I kidding. It won’t ever go away. Not even when they’re men.
Women who bring out the twins to get beaded at Mardi Gras are fun, but not funny. Naked men on the other hand, are just plain HILARIOUS.
So, I suspect that as my boys get older, holidays with our growing family will still include flashing, streaking and the ever-present mooning over dessert. Then they’ll all lie on the couch, my husband included, dozing off, wearing their ham pants with hands on jocks.
That is, quite simply, THE NAKED TRUTH.
Katie is your usual, run-of-the-mill, overworked and underpaid stay-at-home mom who refuses to leave the house without either puke or snot on her shirt. Which reminds me, stay-at-home mom is such a messed up term. I don’t know any primary care givers that stay at home. It’s more like livin-in-your-van mom…or waiting for karate-to-end dad or pretending I dont-get-McDonald-happy-meals- for dinner-as-often-as I-do mom.
HILARIOUS! As the mother of a boy, I laughed out loud reading this. My son is only 2 so he hasn’t started doing any of this stuff yet but I know it’s only a matter of time. Great guest post!
I LOVE THIS!!! My 5 year old has just discovered his penis and some of things he can do with it. This includes at school, where I told from his kindergarten teacher about it. I had my husband have “the talk” with him about touching himself in public and my son’s response to this was “But it’s mine and I like how it feels”. Now I know what my future has in store for me!!
That was seriously funny. I mean that literally. Like it was serious how hard I had to try to not laugh out loud. I have not had the pleasure of waking up with a twig and berries resting on my cheek yet, but I’m sure those days are not far around the corner. Katie, I hope you write more on her or else have another blog for me to read and get me through this thing called parenting. Thank you again, Adrian for the good reads and laughs!
Love it. As a mom of three 5 year old boys, you got it right for sure. It was so funny, I almost peed my pants, well actually I did. Keep writing!
This is hysterical. I’m glad to have learned about genital origami time so I won’t be shocked if I ever have a boy child. Tell me more!
Query: do men find this as utterly hilarious as women?? I’m testing it out on hubs tonight.
Also, for the record, it took my son about 8 months of life on this earth to discover his fabulous-ness. Now, at 22 months he’s learned the word “penis” and is oh so proud to say it WHENEVER he can!
Fabulous. I can relate, of course. I’d also add that boys spend a great deal of time honing farts, and live in anticipation of letting loose “The Big One”.
Favorite in my house-
Me- “Chase do you need to go Potty”
Chase- “No”
Me- “Then why are you holding your peeps”
Chase- “I’m just keeping them warm”
NICE!!!!!!
I laughed so hard, I cried! PLEASE write more Katie… that was hilarious! And you are right, they don’t change as men. My husband in the morning (sometimes) will run out of the shower nude with hands in the air like he is Rocky. I don’t get it but it is funny!
Too funny – i have to say the dog hair that keeps daddy’s penis warm is especially inventive. that kid is smart!
Hilarious TRUTH!! So proud of your boys!! Keep writing and I can tease them when we see them next. The other morning in our usual rush get dressed, my son was adjusting his package and, with that unsure yet curious look, asked, “Mommy do you ever have to adjust your vagina?” I nearly fell over into my closet.
As a first time grandmother of a 3 year old boy, this was the best laugh I’ve had in a long time. As we grandmothers say, I laughed so hard the tears ran down my leg!” What a total hoot! Having had 1 sister, and then 2 daughters, my reaction to the excitement of being the grandmother of a boy was, “I won’t know what to do with him!” He LOVES being naked and playing with his “toys.” Imagine Christmas day as he marches proudly down the stairs wearing his brand new light up sneakers and absolutely nothing else. Priceless!
Ahhhhhhh… you’re the best, Katie!! MISS you! Keep writing!
Katie – you are a riot! I laughed outloud 🙂 a favorite bathtime adventure in our house is our little dude running around the house naked shouting ‘naked man to the rescue’ + cracking up. Gotta love it!
As a mother of 4 boys 5 and under, you are so right!! My most common phrase is “Get your hands out of your pants!” Laughed aloud!! Even my 5 month oldl plays with his when I change his diaper! Thanks for the laugh!
Lol. I can’t help but laugh every time I read this. The first time though, I was lucky enough to have Adrian read it out loud and I cried laughing at the way he put inflections on just the right words. Do another one!
So glad you have a girl to balance that! Daughters all of a sudden seem so easy… though we still have the teen years ahead…
I have been up since 4:30am, and I was kind of expecting to fall back asleep. Not anymore. Thanks for making me laugh so hard (I think).
Kate- super great writing/reading and whoa can I relate! As a mother of 2 little guys and step mom to 2 teenage boys, there’s another entire discussion on the smell of boys-as they age (how they say they ‘don’t care’ what the smell is yet they like to analyze it, how they can sit for hours on the couch with it, the need to roll down the windows in the car or else you’ll vomit from it, the sheer stench expelling from their rooms) I can go on and on. Makes you wanna give Fi just another big old hug! Thanks for sharing…
I will be apologizing tonight to my Mom, the mother of 3 boys. Although back in the 70’s, I don’t think this kind of behavior happened. Or maybe I don’t remember b/c i was 3 year old.
For the record, I’m a man and I found this EXTREMELY FUNNY.
OMIGOD – laughed out loud! Two sons at home and I completely understand what you’re talking about. We have a nightly discussion about trying to stop playing with your junk and leave the penis pointing down in the diaper so that there isn’t pee all over every surface. Sigh.