HOOTERS. GAZONGAS. MELONS.
JUGS. YABBOS. TATAS. SWEATER PUPPETS. TORPEDOS. DRUNKEN CYCLOPS.
What am I talking about?
ONLY the greatest thing on Earth. As American as it gets. Apple pie, baseball and BOOBS.
As a man, I hold them in higher regard than water in the desert, the last 3 sheets of toilet paper on the roll or the World Series. Men live and die for the nip slip, the sideboob, the down-the-shirt swingset or the lady next door chasing the mailman down the street without support. We think about it constantly. It’s a scientific fact. We’re not rapid animals, but the froth at the corner of our mouths may give that impression.
The reality is that boobs aren’t just hood ornaments, they’re not just for Cinemax, Perfect 10 magazine, or flashing truckers on the interstate. They don’t just keep the Hooters franchise afloat, or give Howard Stern something to talk about every morning.
They’re functional. They help society. They are a necessity. Plus, they’re cool.
However, some dipshit at a Target in Webster, TX didn’t get the memo last week.
Last week, a woman flopped one out while shopping, to quell the screams of her hungry toddler. A true soldier, an American hero, strafing through housewares nourishing a soldier in need. The employee had her tossed out of the store.
There weren’t strobe lights or middle-aged man stiffies spilling whiskey on themselves. She wasn’t wearing lace panties, clear heels and a boa, pacing up and down the runway headbutting crumpled dollar bills being fastballed from the sidelines. She wasn’t conducting a burlesque show or suggestively rubbing a calculator on her genitals in the electronics aisle.
She was nursing her child. A HEARTFELT obligation for the typical mom.
SIDENOTE: You’ve seen people go on talk shows, telling their rendition of how they saw Elvis on a grilled cheese or pissed the face of Christ in the snow at Breckenridge. My wife is going to kill me, as this was located in the ‘private’ folder of iphoto, but she lactated a heart. A heart that seems appropriate for this blog, to show how much we support the art and act of breastfeeding.
Back to the story at hand.
This is a store. This is a mom. That is a boob. That is a kid attached to her boob.
How more natural can it get?
Was it really that distracting? Most moms I know aren’t making this action a public event. Meanwhile, I’ve got to shuffle through the store, looking at a bunch of wangstas with their pants sagging below their ass, a pair of stained Hanes ruining my shopping experience.
NO ONE DOES SHIT.
Network and cable turn into soft porn after 10. Doesn’t this employee watch TV? Was he serious or does he just have something against procreation and women?
I guess this genius didn’t remember being part of the 90% society that grew big and strong feasting on an engorged bosom a few years back.
The bottom line is that boobs are glorious. Breastfeeding is natural. Scumbags, catch your glance, close up your trench coat and step to the side.
An image of breastfeeding should be stitched on the flag. We’ll pick a cup size that makes everyone comfortable, stitch it next to the last state and fly it at full mast.
The Target corporate office has already issued an apology, but being an irrational hothead, who owns a hat like this,
I’d like to see this bad apple fired.
Go sit at home and hate your boobs. Nurse-in!
PS – that isn’t blood on my boobs hat, I think my dog chewed one of those flavored bones next to it.
There was a big to do about girls in middle school somewhere here in Georgia because they were selling rubber bracelets that say “I love Boobies” and the proceeds went to the Susan G Komen Foundation. The girls got into some trouble with the school and they were facing disciplinary action until the news got wind of it.
I’m still not sure what happened in a world where a breast is considered evil and sinful but non stop violence is ok for children to watch on TV. I’m sure Jen has told you what it was like growing up in the buckle of the bible belt… and there is a BIG difference between Atlanta and the rest of the state.
Anyways, bravo on the post! Always a good read.
Awesome. I love your sense of humor.
Confucius say, “Bra is not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.”
Love love this. 🙂
Does your wifey know that you posted that picture yet?
You’re super rad, Adrian. Really. This post just solidified it for me.
oh, and please. As if you’ve never rubbed your genitals on a ticker tape machine in the electronics aisle. Pshhha.
Dude. I’ll take my shirt off and run around the store screaming “BOOOOOBIES!!!” and give them someone to legitimately kick out.
One week after Charlie was born clearly I had a surplus of milk!
someone clearly needs to teach me how to shop and breastfeed at the same time
Personally, as a woman who has had three kids and those kids are now in school all day so I get to shop in glorious peace, I’d prefer to see a woman with a blanket over her and the kid, feeding the kid, than listen to that kid scream. Call me nutty, but that to me is waaayyyyyy more annoying than a woman minding her own business feeding her kid. And I’m with you on the saggy britches. While you’re there at Target, get some damn pants that fit right and put ’em on!
Amazing how they would kick her out of the store instead of the countless others that walk in there looking like shit shows. They should kick people out or eating pizza in their little cafes
This happened to a friend of mine when trying to print a nursing pic of her and her child at Meijer’s in Normal, IL. The man at the counter refused to give her the pic stating it was inapprorite and against the rules to sell. She is not one to give in easily and finally got the pic back but by the end of the week they had staged a nurse-in and had a local news station interviewing mom’s as well. Its crazy people still find this natural thing gross and inapprorite.
THANK YOU! Love it 🙂 As a young nursing mom, who nurses in public when baby dictates, this is an awesome read. Especially from a guy! Awesomesauce.
Bravo! I flashed half of the tristate area when I was nursing. Not necessarily out of choice, out of necessity. The only look that offends me more than the saggy ass pants are the multiple piercings and ear lobes embedded with trash can lids. When did looking like Charles Manson become cool? Excellent post!
THIS would get me out of the house and into stores more often, if they could publish the schedules.
Personally, I’m all for breastfeeding. Out in public, I approach it like they used to do in grade school. If you got caught chewing gum, the teacher announced loudly, “Did you bring enough for everybody?” Just tell me where the line starts.
I understand several of the sides of the issue, but only a couple are relevant. “It’s natural” – Yes. And so is death, but I woudln’t want to see a die-in. Just because its natural doesn’t mean it should be done in polite company… it’s considered inappropriate to conceive in public (althought THAT would probably get me out of the house, also) or to evacuate bodily wastes. I don’t think I’d like that show. Nose picking, genital scratching, flatulance, the state of undress, personal hygiene, masturbation, groping your mate… all shouldn’t be displayed in public, it’s just not appropriate.
The heart-shaped leakage. amazing. I wish we could re-direct the dolts who have a problem with women feeding their babies to more serious issues like: muffin tops and capri pants. the world could do without those two things.
I just read this post again–can I say how awesome it is? And I wish I could hit “like” next to a number of the comments above! Bravo.