Feb4

14 Things NOT To Get Your Wife For Valentine’s Day.

25 comments

One minute I’m planning to get lucky on New Year’s Eve, then falling asleep before the ball drops.  The next minute I’m screaming and chest-slamming dudes over touchdowns during the Super Bowl, even though my team never made it to the big game.  All of the sudden, February opens up like a hot diaper in a crowded room and there it is.  VALENTINE’S DAY.

On occasion, I saw it coming and planned ahead with rose petal pathways into the bedroom or a limo to her favorite musical.  But there were also times where I was up until 3am cutting and gluing a Valentine together that ended up looking like a ransom note… or in the garage, cursing and fighting with old power tools and sandpaper to fashion a wooden heart out of some mildewed scrap wood.

If you believe in treating your partner to something special this holiday, Amy at Carriage Before Marriage and I have teamed up to help you out.  Today, she’s helping the guys out.  Wednesday, it’s my turn to spill it to the ladies.

What doesn’t your wife want this year?  Here’s what Amy has to say…

  1. Lingerie – Unless your wife is an actual Victoria’s Secret model, in which case you’ll be doing your Valentine’s Day shopping at Harry Winston, you don’t want to navigate this minefield.  Bring home a size too big and you’ll insult her; give her undies she can’t squeeze into and you’ll depress her.  Neither of those avenues leads to your pants.
  2. Heart Mug – Nothing says “I forgot it was Valentine’s Day so I stopped at the gas station on the way home” like a coffee mug with a big heart on it.  Such an object is ripe for throwing.  Duck!
  3. A Coupon For Your Body – Whoever invented these cheap-ass romance coupon books probably did get laid using one, but that was the only time it ever worked.  Seriously, do we need a coupon for your body?  Not last time I checked.  Now go buy her a present.sex coupon
  4. Dustbuster – Your wife is your Carol Brady – why are you trying to make her feel like Alice?   Forget about household appliances.  Instead, imagine what Jay-Z is giving Beyonce.  Now find an affordable version of that.
  5. Gym Membership – Sinatra sang about “the way you look tonight.”  A gym membership says, “I’d really like it if you looked different than you do tonight.”  Ditto elliptical machines, hand weights and exercise videos.  A smoking hot personal trainer who gives encouraging shoulder massages could be the exception here.
  6. Drug Store Chocolate – A big box of crap movie theater candy does not make a girl feel special—it just gives her calorie anxiety.  If you know she loves chocolate, step up your game and go gourmet, like truffles, preferably tequila infused, bacon stuffed or diamond encrusted.
  7. Perfume – A sexy scent is a great idea if you know exactly what your lady likes. So let me ask you a few questions: Is she into citrus, floral, fruity, green, spicy, oceanic, woody, musky or patchouli?   Does she prefer an eau de parfum or an eau de toilette?  Does she have allergies?   Is there any chance the scent you’re buying is that exact same one your mother or ex-girlfriend wears?   Unless you can ace that quiz, go for luxury scented bath products or candles instead.
  8. Crock Pot – This isn’t your wedding registry—this is Valentine’s Day, a holiday that is not about practical gifts, even things your wife actually needs.  Huge brownie points for showing up with that crock pot on February 15, though.
  9. Stuffed Animal  –  Unless you and she have a plushies fetish, in which case, cool, a stuffed animal is not going to cut it, especially for moms.  That’s like trying to seduce her with a Matchbox car. heart stuffed animal
  10. Gift Certificate – I know it’s tempting.  There are so many bad gift ideas, why not just let her choose her own Valentine’s Day present?  It’s called the element of surprise!  If you’re handing her an envelope, it should have tickets in it, and not the lottery kind.
  11. Dead Flowers – Fresh flowers, we like.  But sad, wilted flowers that within a day are going to shed all over the table and make the water smell like hot hamster cage are almost worse than no gift at all.  Skip the pre-made bouquets that have been sitting around the store and choose blossoms that look like they’ve got staying power, just like your love.
  12. Nothing – Unacceptable.  When we married you, it was for better or for worse, in sickness and in heath and ‘til death do us part…unless you blow off one of the major holidays.  Then it’s sooner.
  13. The Job of Planning Valentine’s Day – You know what’s a nice gift for the woman who makes your whole life run smoothly?  A vacation from planning.  Show her you care by making some reservations and booking a babysitter.  If you’re the planner in your family and I’m just being sexist, then by all means do the opposite.
  14. Jewelry – She’s probably got so much of it already, who needs it?  Ha ha ha ha.   Everyone.  Everyone needs jewelry.   I was just testing you.  Get her some jewelry.

Amy thought this might’ve offended some husbands and even a few wives, so feel free to express yourself in the comments.  But what we both really want to know is, what were your best and worst Valentine’s Day presents?

amy w family photo for bedfellows bioAmy writes the blog Carriage Before Marriage.  Her best Valentine’s Day gift was her engagement ring, so it’s been all downhill from there.  You can follow Amy on Facebook HERE and also check out her Twitter feed – @cb4m.  And if she made you laugh, click HERE to vote for her in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest!

 

22 comments
Webbyra Stockholm
Webbyra Stockholm

I was very persuaded to find this site.I wanted to express gratitude you for this large read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to ascertain out new stuff you posted letters.

solar savings
solar savings

I really liked your blog post.Really thank you! Great.

Solei
Solei

Last year I got a gift from Tiffany's! Seriously, anything in that signature blue box is a win!

Laura
Laura

This list is awesome!! PLEASE no stuffed animals. Ever. Between two toddlers and two dogs, I have enough plush toys to keep track of and clean, thank you very much. My hubby's best vday gift: calling a housekeeper and sending me to get a pedicure. He watched the kids (and made adorable valentines with them while I was gone!!), gave me a break and I came home to an immaculate house that I didn't have to clean! As if that wasn't enough, he then gave me as long as I wanted (uninterrupted!!!) to get ready to go out and then we dropped off the kiddos at grandma and grandpa's house to sleep over and went out for wine and dinner. We then had the whole night to be romantic AND got to sleep in the next morning. It was the BEST. It was so awesome because I got to spend the morning with my littlest valentines, and then the night with my big one. Also, he spent time planning ahead and thinking of what I was really needing- time to actually "primp" for him, and a grownup, romantic night for once. It was the sweetest, most thoughtful thing he could have done and I am hoping for the same valentine's day this year too!! No overpriced wilted flowers or cheesy cards needed, just a little planning and thinking ahead is all we want, hubbies!!!

Liz
Liz

I used to swell with pride when I saw those last minute men out shopping for whatever they could grab that would keep them out of trouble on dreaded V-Day (I also felt great pity for them). "If I ever get married, MY man will NEVER have that look of panic on his face. For we shall be so secure in our love, no hokey gifts will be required." Now I beg for romance. And the man I am so securely in love with goes, "I don't know what you mean. Do you want me to lick your ear more??" A simple planned-ahead or thoughtful gesture is what I'm putting the (can't-you-read-my-mind?) pressure on for: babysitter arrangements (made in advance), a surprise pint of my favorite ice cream, a corny improv love song (my man's got the skills), *an old Christmas card with an X over the holiday wording and a vulgar doodle in the blank area (*best/favorite V-Day gift).

Amanda
Amanda

We don't celebrate Valentine's Day, so nothing works for me! Haha

Amy
Amy

I agree with Melissa!

Melissa
Melissa

ADVICE TO HUBBYS: Make an appointment--not a gift card--make an actual appointment at the spa and send her on her way. When she gets home, her body is more likely to do whatever you want. Happy V Day!!

Anna
Anna

The worst thing you can give for valentines day I think is a kitchen item! You want something personal for valentines day - not something for the household!

Tracy @ Momaical
Tracy @ Momaical

My husband and I go out for Mai Tai's every year for Valentine's day. There's no pressure to buy anything and we have a blast doing it. So much so that our signature drink at our wedding reception was "Mai Tai-ed the Knot."

Alexandra
Alexandra

I am a sucker for any holiday, this year I began early. I usually give him presents till valentines day and even after. This year I began with a case striker cover for his phone, (a camera, he loves cameras) and a backpack to carry his camera in :) I am trying to figure out what I will be giving him next. I know for a fact thought that we will be going to See Warm Bodies together :D

Jenn
Jenn

For. Real.

Amy
Amy

Seriously Jenn for real?

Jenn
Jenn

Two words: Thigh Master. Okay, three words: Thigh Master. Ex-Husband.

Amy
Amy

Kristin, SOME guys could pull off choosing a scent they love and it would be perfect, but only some. I think if we can get this list circulating out there, we can save ourselves from grocery store roses. Get the word out!

Andy
Andy

Our first son was born on Valentine's Day, so we both spend more time worrying about his birthday than how we're going to spend our night. This is a good list, and I'm all for spontaneity with the gifts, but I'm not ashamed to ask my wife for exactly what she wants for Valentine's Day. How else would I know that all she wants is a walk-on zombie role on The Walking Dead? I know, so romantic.

Kristin
Kristin

I agree with every single one of these...except the perfume one. That's a hit or miss. Perhaps -- and this is a HUGE perhaps -- it could be romantic and sexy and seductive and all that stuff, if he picks out a perfume that he absolutely adores and can't wait to smell on you. If I got a gift like that...I'd be happy. Last year, I got a dozen roses. From the grocery store. *sigh* Problem is, there's nothing I "want," because he's very generous and he always wants to make me happy. So you run out of stuff to get as gifts pretty quickly. I have so much jewelry, it's bordering on the ridiculous. I have tons of shoes and bags and clothes and gadgets and so on and so forth. So, does that mean he gets me NOTHING? I'd like to say no. Actually, I'd really, REALLY like the heart notes of reasons why he loves me. It doesn't have to be a 100. But it shouldn't be a post-it note on the fridge, either. :/

Darcy
Darcy

I'm not offended and know this was a tongue in cheek post but I'm totally okay with half that list. Then again my hubby has never given me a crappy present ever. I can think of worst gifts!

Jill Wheeler
Jill Wheeler

A few years ago, David hand made me over 100 heart notes of reasons why he loved and married me. I was to open them through out the year. I kept every one of them and sometimes go back and read through them. The past couple of years, I have pretty much picked out what I wanted (i.e. massage gc, facial gc, etc.). All things that I love and make me feel good about myself! And as a SAHM, those things are well worth it and give me some ME time!

Jaime
Jaime

This year we will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary - so there should be a lot of awesome gifts that stand out right? Wrong! Every year he get's me a gift but only one comes to mind and has for many years. When I was a new SAHM we gave up my higher income for me to stay home -within 8 months I found myself pregnant again...that year on Valentine's Day I willed myself to stay awake on the sofa while I awaited his arrival home after his 3 hour communte, our daughter tucked in bed hours earlier. I must have been having a craving because my favorite gift was a half gallon of Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream! That unfortunately he stopped and got at a local gas station so it was a little freezer burned, but we ate it anyway! It is the only Valentine's Day gift I can remember! I think the best gift is the most heartfelt for that season of your relationship...happy Valentine's Day!

Dalilah
Dalilah

Perfect! but I'd take a gift certificate! :-)

Nikki
Nikki

Best - last year when I was 9 months pregnant - a jar of Nutella that I didn't have to share! Hahaha (I ate it by the spoonful throughout my pregnancy)

Trackbacks

  1. [...] was reading Dad or Alive’s 14 Things NOT to Get Your Wife for Valentine’s Day shared by Amy at Carriage Before Marriage as a public service for men everywhere.  #6 on her list [...]