A few weeks ago, my good friend Amy at Carriage Before Marriage gave us a glimpse as to why she and some other moms dress like shit. Sure, before we had kids, I used to clean up real nice…
But as I was reading her article, I was like, hold up, as a stay-at-home dad, I dress like shit too. Don’t count me out! I couldn’t just sit back and let her hog all the glory of dressing like a vagrant. Hell no!
I could relate to all of it, so I took her reasons and added the dad spin. I figured I’d offer up my opinion and let her know that we’re not so different after all…
1) Nice clothes just get ruined – I have 100 dress shirts leftover from my ‘day-job era’ that might never get used again. My only hope is that, if I wait long enough, they’ll cycle back in and become relevant again – it only took bell-bottoms and butterfly collars 30 years, right? Currently, I buy a 6-pack of white t-shirts like I’m in junior high gym class and pair them with one of my two bathing suits. My life isn’t some J.Crew ad with a bunch of well-groomed kids frolicking through the meadow with golf shirts and perfect hair. My days may start out that way sometimes, but my kids are legit, give them twenty minutes and they WILL fuck up your threads.
2) Fitted clothes can’t handle the strain – Fitted clothes? I’m too busy gaining sympathy weight for my pregnant wife to understand what this even means. I don’t have any pencil skirts like Amy, however after feathering through an issue of GQ, I did once buy those low-rider briefs that were supposed to make me look like David Beckham. After putting them on, I called my therapist and upped my Lexapro dosage.
3) High heels are dangerous – you’re damn right they are. It’s been a while since I stumbled around in my wife’s heels with my package tucked between my legs, looking into the mirror and telling myself that it ‘puts the lotion in the basket’. Just kidding, I’ve never done that. All I’ve got is a pair of tuxedo shoes that I bought thinking ‘I’ll wear these to, like, every wedding until we die’. In hindsight, this would’ve been a great purchase in my early 20’s while my friends were still getting hitched. In my late 30’s, all I can do is hang onto these tap shoes until my friends start dying and wear them to the wake.
4) Jewelry is baby bait – In college, I had my tongue pierced because everyone said it made you an oral sex superstar and pierced my ears using ice cubes and safety pins to be edgy. After lisping through several unsuccessful job interviews and a few crusty lobe incidents, I got rid of the bling. The only parallel I have now is hair product. I luckily still have a few follicles left (lifts head to the sky, kneels and yells thank you) but Crew Fiber ain’t cheap. What’s the point of giving my bangs a rich texture and uplifted look if my kid is just gonna barf all over me?
5) Purses are pointless – Couldn’t agree more, especially when my wife asks me to hang onto her bag ‘for a minute’. An hour later, as I meander through the bra section at Nordstrom trying to figure out where the fuck she disappeared to, fighting off back spasms from a bowling bag full of wipes, lipsticks, half-eaten sandwiches and laptop chargers, I totally realize that purses are pointless. I roll with Cargo shorts, diapers on the left, wipes on the right.
6) Nothing fits – You’re preaching to the choir, girlfriend. It would be one thing if I had to start using Magnum condoms, but that’s not where the girth is anymore. Instead, I’m sneaking into a Big n’ Tall to find something to wrap around my hash-brown casserole belly. PRO-TIP: Forget about silk or cashmere, Home depot has cheap painting tarps that, by cutting a few armholes, make a wonderful Autumn sweater.
7) My underwear is shot to shit – I’m not afraid to admit that the crotches of my underwear look like lazy spiderwebs. I’m not sure when or where I adopted this ‘depression mentality’, but I’ll wear a pair of boxer briefs until my balls are falling through the holes.
8) I’m not exactly going to the opera – The opera? How about a fucking movie? I think the last time we got a sitter and went to the movies it was ‘Saving Private Ryan’. It’s a miracle if I wear underwear to the grocery store.
9) Buying new clothes is guilt-inducing – Half of my t-shirts I got for free for signing up for a 30% APR credit card or got at the bank for opening up a checking account. If it weren’t for my wife (love you honey) hitting me with a few shirts at Christmas, I’d be swinging in on a vine wearing a washcloth to pick my kids up at pre-school.
10) And what about accidentally shopping in the juniors dep? – Amy, guys can’t do this. Not unless they want Chris Hansen popping up with a camera crew from ‘To Catch a Predator’.
I think Amy and I are on the same page here. What’s the point of getting all dolled up if we’re gonna end up looking like we got rolled in a ditch? It’d be like those guys who run Tough Mudders in a suit. At the end of the day, we’re covered in layers of dirt, food and bodily secretions – am I wrong?