For those of you who don’t know me or haven’t been following my blog over the last 2.5 years, I’m a full-time stay-at-home dad for two toddlers. My daughter Ava, turned 3 in October and Charlie is 18 months old. When Ava was born, my wife and I had each lived in Los Angeles for well over a decade. We dated for several years and were married for one.
For all intents and purposes, we were settled into a certain lifestyle. We had our cute little rituals, like sleeping in the buff and setting our alarms 20 minutes apart to help each other wake up in the morning. We had our own closets, separate bathrooms and preferred sides of the bed. Aside from the dog occasionally interrupting and wanting to sleep under the covers, we had established territories. We sometimes dozed off watching a mutually favored TV show, enjoyed spontaneous intimacy and reveled in our fantastical slumbers.
I looked like this.
As you look at the picture, maybe you’ve got a few adjectives floating around inside your head. Perhaps you’re thinking wow, he looks really calm, casual and composed. And maybe you’d even go as far as saying I look relaxed, care-free and well-rested.
Guess what? You’re right. I was ALL of them.
When Ava was first born, she spent her nights in a Pack N Play in our room. As she got a little older, she ended up in our bed for about nine months total, while my wife breastfed her. It didn’t even really get to a point where I noticed. And then suddenly one day, Ava just weaned herself off the boob. She’d had enough of us.
After Charlie was born, same deal. We dusted off that same Pack-n-play and he adjusted his flight path to pull in on our wing for the duration. When he was only six weeks old, we made a huge decision to move back east. Jen took a job outside of DC and it was irrelevant where I was stationed to take care of the kids, continue my blog and work on my first book (the second one wouldn’t come until 2018). We thought it would be very ‘Griswold’ of us to stuff an infant, a toddler and a dog in the backseat and drive 2,700 miles while taking in the sights.
The weekend that we finally arrived at our new home in Maryland, we got the devastating news about the death of our 1 Year, 1 Month, 1 Day year-old niece, Olivia. Without unpacking, we took the same cross-country bags and headed to Atlanta for a few weeks to grieve with family.
Around that time, Charlie immediately moved to our bed and started sleeping with us. It’s hard to comprehend the loss of a baby, especially at the hands of a stranger acting reckless. I think that my wife just wanted to be as close to her baby as she possibly could. And I would never blame her.
Most nights, it was me, my wife, the dog and Charlie — playing a game of human Tetris in our queen-sized bed. Occasionally, Ava would wake up in the middle of the night and climb onto the dog pile, which wasn’t the end of the world, so long as she went to sleep and didn’t want to play ’20 questions’. By morning, we looked like one of those woven pie crust tops, but instead of dough, there were bodies layered and woven over one another.
Months have now gone by — specifically 18 of them.
Now I look like this.
A year and a half of co-sleeping. How do I feel? I feel like shit. I feel like an actual dog turd rolled in hair and lit on fire. I can’t really honestly tell you that I’ve had a decent night of sleep since Charlie was born. I think that my wife and I are in agreement about one thing: we want our bedroom back.
Cooper (dog) has been relegated to the floor and Ava is doing really well, enjoying her new bedroom and loves being surrounded by her stuff. But what about Charlie? My wife is slowly weaning him (he’s genetically a boob man, Kung-fu grip on the knockers) and we’re trying to get him to sleep through the night in his own bed.
The problem? For the last 18 months he’s become dependent on us constantly being there. He was able to wake up and immediately find the comfort of putting a boob in his mouth. He doesn’t know how to self-soothe. He associates my wife with everything sugar and spice. And because of this, I’ve got to be the one to handle the dirty work of sleep-training.
Our pediatricians are fans of the cold turkey, tough-love method of laying him down at bedtime and coming to get him at sunrise. If he cries, he cries. He’ll eventually figure it out. They hinted that it would last a week, with diminishing returns each night. We tried this for the first two nights, thinking that, when he woke up at midnight, he would have a short cry, exhaust himself and lay back down. Nope. He’s got porn star stamina. His persistent wailing lasted for hours on end.
We questioned whether or not we should follow through with this. Now I’ve fucked everything up by going into his room when he cries and laying him back down. Pediatricians and old-timers love to toss out that old ‘no kid ever died from crying’ shit and I’m smart enough to figure that one out. BUT, is what I’m doing humane?
Does the guilt ride my conscience? YES.
Are his war cries affecting the sleep pattern of the entire neighborhood? YES.
Do I wanna take a frying pan and smash everything in our house into a thousand pieces because I’m losing my mind? YES.
I know there are a lot of co-sleeping advocates out there and I respect your choices. To each his own. But seriously, WTF? I WANT MY BED BACK.
I kneel before the rest of you, asking for advice.
With both of my daughters, I did eventually have to let them cry. BUT it was extremely hard, and i found myself almost bribing them to go to sleep lol. I made sure they had theyre night light, and fan (white noise), their juice, and something to snack on that they wouldnt choke on. And I told them they had to be good, so we could go bye bye the next day. they love going bye bye and we ALWAYS go somewhere even if its just to the store every day so it worked out. they think they get a prize for being good, i dont have to go out of my way to get them to go to sleep. MOST nights… haha. idk if this helps you any. every baby is different, but hopefully it does 🙂
Wowaweewa!!!
Mate that sounds like hell on earth – similar to where I have resided for the last few years between co-sleeping, crying-it-out and a load of other wishy washy techniques. And my son is almost 4.
We were at our wits end recently so I contacted a sleep consultant/therapist and we are now in the middle of implementing the plan she put together with us. Going great so far and we are just hoping we can stick with it.
If this does not work I will not be responsible for the damage I might cause to myself and those around me. I’m thinking “Falling Down”, Michael Douglas on speed.
You can see more about what seems to be working for us on the blog – http://www.godadgo.ie.
Best of luck with it mate. Love your work too by the way. Great site.
I slept with my two oldest daughters and was lucky enough that they were willing to move to their own beds without a lot of fuss. My youngest, however, is four and still sleeps with us. Her bed has been moved into our room and it goes unused. I tried buying her new bedding several times over to get her excited about it. Nothing doing. She cries. She screams. NO ONE SLEEPS! I have a husband who has to get up early and two kids that have to go to school. The worst part is that it isn’t just that she wants to sleep with me, it’s that I want to sleep with her. My husband has grown accustomed to sleeping smashed against the wall but he is less than happy about it. I just keep telling myself that she will ready in her own time…
I don’t think that it’s inhumane for other parents to let their kids cry it out, but I don’t have the heart to do it my own child.
Oh I hear you! My husband hears you. All 4 of our kids co-slept until the age of 3, 3 of them are 2 years apart. I’ll let you do the math. My husband would walk in the hall with them until they were weaned, we had to completely wean, night weaning wouldn’t have worked otherwise. I hope you figure it out and get the rest you need.
Supernanny does a thing where she has a parent sit on the floor near the crib while the kid cries. The parent stays silent and nonresponsive, but he/she’s present so the kid knows she’s there and feels safe. That helps the kid fall asleep without being picked up. Then, the parent can leave the room. Gradually, the parent moves further away from the crib (I think over the course of a few nights) until she’s out of the room altogether.
We did a modified Ferber where we came in at increasing intervals and talked to the kids, without picking them up, just for a few seconds. We told them we loved them and that they were doing so well sleeping on their own and we just knew they’d make it through the night. Then we left and went in the other room and cringed listening to our kid cry until the timer said we could go in again.
It was rough, but the most important part of Ferberizing, which people don’t talk much about, is how you all feel the next morning. You walk in and the kid is just as happy to see you as ever, if not more so. They still love and trust you, and you realize they can survive without you hovering over them 24/7.
Good luck!
I BF my son for 14 months, but he always slept in his own bed. Weaned himself too.
I do remember, though, that he went through phases where he would wake up a couple times throughout the night crying for Mama and Dada…
I couldn’t do the “cry it out aaaaall night” method. Emotionally, my heart just broke and I felt like I was abandoning him or something.
What I did: When he started crying, I would wait about 2-3 minutes, go in his room without turning on lights or speaking to him, lay him down with his favorite blanket, give him a kiss, and walk back out. No big fuss, no reasoning with him, just kept it short and sweet. He didn’t feel abandoned because I was coming in, but he wasn’t getting the reaction he wanted either. Each night I increased the time it took me to go into his room. Eventually, about a week later, he stopped crying when he woke up and just went back to sleep.
Now that our second son is due in about three weeks, my first son is going back to waking up and crying, wanting Mama and Dada. It’s exhausting, frustrating, sometimes downright infuriating… but I try to remember that he is only 2, and big changes are very hard to accept and understand fully.
I hope this helps a little. Just remember they are only little for so long, then they move out and on with their own lives (if you’re lucky!)
I still have my 10 month old cosleeping (and nursing, of course), but what about putting your son in the same room as your daughter or putting him in his own bed in your room? Or sidecarring his crib (you can find tutorials on youtube)? It might be a slower transition, but much more gentle. I’m not a fan of cry-it-out, so may be facing this same dilemma in a year or so.
Well, shit. Your situation is pretty tough because of the lack of self soothing or interest in a pacifier.
We have used various techniques, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with going in the room. Anytime we have allowed crying it has been for a set time. Then one of us goes in the room and places a hand on baby’s/child’s back (patting is fine) for a couple of minutes, then walks out of the room. All silently. We also have a routine of rock, sing, pray, bed. My older daughter outgrew rocking at 3 years so now her routine is books, pray, songs, sleep.
With my oldest we moved her out of a crib into a toddler bed at 18 months so one of us could go sit on the floor of her room with her and even partially lay on the bed to cuddle. We always swapped “call” nights so at least one of us didn’t have to keep getting out of the bed.
My nephew was a lot like Charlie. He would scream and cry for hours, until he would puke. He wouldn’t take a pacifier and didn’t suck his thumb. But he loved sippy cups so my sister sent him off to bed with a sippy cup of water. It might help you you can find something (anything safe) that he is attached to and brings comfort. I’ve heard of kids sleeping with mom or dad’s shirt being helpful.
Love noisemakers too. If he is used to sounds of all of you at night, a silent room might be hard.
OMG!!!! I laughed so hard reading this. I just found your blog and I absolutely love it!
Anything that you learn in regards to the co-sleeping — please share!
I am a single mom, so luckily it’s just me and my son in my bed, but still I don’t want to wake up every morning with my face being sore because my son smacks me in the face constantly with his feet or because he’s smacking me to wake up to get him juice and breakfast. I want to wake up refreshed like I used to once upon a time.
All I can say is take the bed back NOW. Our kids co-slept with us until they were each about 3. Our son, who is now 9 1/2 will still get in our bed if he wakes up in the middle of the night though.
Take back the bed!
I think it’s Dad (and mom) who have porn star stamina – 18 months of co-sleeping is a commitment!
When we finally bit the bullet and sleep trained, we came up with the gentlest possible method we could find. At the beginning we literally did check-ins every MINUTE and then every 2 minutes, 3 minutes up to 5 minutes. And when I went in, I’d pick her up out of her crib and rock and sing Twinkle Twinkle for 1 minute before putting her back down. This method was SLOW as fucking molasses – took like a month vs. the touted 3 nights, but it was all I could handled and the kid sleeps 12 hours in her crib now. Good luck!
When our son was three, we met the issue half-way…one of us would lay with him in HIS bed until he fell asleep, then we have our own bed for the rest of the night. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now at 6 years old, we are STILL having to do this. In retrospect, I suppose that we should’ve have gone cold turkey and let him cry it out, but we were never able to get through the periods of gut-wrenching wailing as you describe here. And, although we’re aware that a grizzly bear isn’t mauling him as what our ancestors had to worry about, it still hits a visceral instinctive chord or protectiveness. Darn you, Charles Darwin!
Wow. So, I am blogging about the EXACT same thing right now. It’s sort of why I named my blog “No Sleep ’til College” because I feel like, well, I feel like a giant turd has taken over the space where my brain used to be.
Not good for a writer.
I am going cold turkey, night #2, actually, of “Operation: You’re super-cute, but stay in your own d*&m bed.”
I’ll let you know how it goes 🙂
wow, this is awesome! I love how he writes. We never co-slept because I didn’t want to be where he is now. If we all have a good night’s sleep, EVERYONE does better, much better during the day. That’s just us and we worked really hard at it from birth with both our kids so we never had to let them cry it out; ever. The oldest (20 months) was just always a good sleeper; still is. We can count on her to sleep 12 straight hours every single night without fail. If she cries, we know it’s serious and we go in immediately (usually just a stinky diaper that we change easily then back to bed for her) We think the baby (6 months) does ok and by most parent’s standards she does great sleeping most nights; we can usually count on somewhere between 9 and 12 hours (we are spoiled with the oldest). Although I LOVE my sleep (love!), I really miss a certain bond I think I’d have with each child if they had been in our bed. You can’t have it all or both ways and I (we) chose what we thought would work best for us. I chose to to make the waking hours count the most, to be fully awake and coherent and energized so we can do things; go out, stay home and play etc….during the day. I can tell you on the nights the baby doesn’t sleep through, I’m a wreck the next day. Yes, that has a lot to do with age, but I can’t change my birthdate. It was and still is hard work and it truly is a mindset you need to have from the day you bring them home. The minute you bring the baby in your bed (from pure exhaustion, I truly get that), it’s over. If you breastfeed I can only imagine how hard it is to get out of bed and put your baby to sleep somewhere else (the first 2 months Susanna was in her own bed right next to me in mine, at arm’s length). It was easier for me as I HAD to make a bottle so I was up anyway (bi-lateral mastectomy at age 39). I had to become fully awake to make the bottle so I chose to sit in a rocking chair to feed her. It was easier to put her in her rocker or now crib afterwards. Both of my girls self-soothe at night when they wake up; that gives me comfort. They wake up happy; they wake up talking, giggling and quite often just lay in their cribs and play. They don’t scream when it’s time to go to bed; their bed is a place of comfort for them as my bed is to me. I wish I heard more stories about parents who love having their kids in their bed and sleep well and actually enjoy it. I unfortunately hear more stories about parents complaining about the lack of sleep, the fact that one parent often sleeps somewhere else and the dangers of co-sleeping if not done properly (as all sleeping arrangements can be dangerous if not done properly). I couldn’t function during the day with two small kids if I wasn’t getting enough quality sleep at night. For me personally, I know if I was awake on and off all night I’d be a danger on the roads; my tiredness would affect my concentration. I wouldn’t want to do anything more than sit and watch tv, thus not playing with the kids or cooking, cleaning, shopping, or any fun family activities. Am I tired? Absolutely! I have 2 kids under two and at 43 years old I think it’s somewhat expected of me. The baby is growing and wants to eat more so she occasionally wakes up to eat when she doesn’t get enough during the day which is hard to do sometimes when balancing feedings with nap schedules etc…but when I go in to feed her, she ALWAYS falls back asleep the minute I put her on my shoulder to burp. I’d love to write a book on the steps I took to get both of them to this stage but fear I’d jinx it and they’d both start waking up at night. The first 2 months totally suck and if I didn’t have the love and support of my husband I think I would have gone completely crazy by now. The minute he came home from work, he took over with the kids so I could have 3 straight hours of sleep before I began the night shift of waking every 2-3 hours to feed the baby. Then I’d be up all day with the oldest (who at this point was 14 months). Their naps never seemed to correspond and this is when I’d do laundry etc…anyway. He slept in his office so he could get quality sleep at night so he could function properly at work then come home and help me. We knew by month 3 (with the baby, month 2 with the oldest) things would be better and we’d get on a routine and get more sleep. I will say for the record, both of my kids had colic their first 4 months so this made it so much harder as they cried all the time. I don’t have much advice to offer him now as I don’t have any idea on what to do when their older. I’m sure there is a lot of advice and tips out there and I truly hope he finds something that works for their family.
Ha! Love this post, especially your before and after pics. I used to think it was like child abuse letting your child scream forever. But after babies number 3 and 4…well, it’s not so bad. They get over it, resiliant little creatures that they are. When I had my first (now 7) he was a crib baby and never slept in our bed, which is how I like it. Then Collin (now 3) comes along and he wants to sleep with us. I try to keep him out, but he is a smart little guy and sneaks in sometime in the wee hours of the morning so we don’t notice him until it’s morning, so he gets away with it. And sometimes I feel bad letting the twin girls (2 years old) scream it out in their room, but if I let one of those in – then they both will be in bed with us and that is just not happening. I admit, it happened once in my moment of weakness, but never again because there is just not enough room. They cry in the middle of the night but get over it, and I figure they have each other and eventually they get tired and go back to sleep or play with each for a while.
Be strong and consistent…and get and extra pillow to bury your head under to block out at much crying as possible.
My kids have always slept in their cribs and have pretty much been great sleepers. My daughter is now three and her routine includes going to sleep in her own bed with a drink, favorite blanket, pacifier, and her ipod touch (with movies and games). I’ll let her play/watch movies on it till she falls to sleep. That might be a good treat for your son. Good Luck!!
My son was the funniest and my youngest….. he co slept or at least started out in our bed reading a book …. one night he was propped up between us hands behind his head, looked at me and said , ” Whats HE doing here?” and pointed to my husband….. obviously he was taking the Alpha Dog position and as he was marched back to his room (and there he stayed) I laughed but it was time. This was one of the funniest moments and my most dearest time…. Its just not the same when a 215 lb 6’2″ Tackle jumps in bed on christmas morning…. enjoy your time with them it is a fleeting moment and a precious one. Sleep Will come…..and they will be gone.
The answer is so simple ….. get a bigger bed!
Wow. This is just one helluva great post. My husband has the same “before” and “after” pictures. Someone recently saw an old picture of me (pre-3 kids) and asked who it was.
It is pretty crazy hard. If you truly want “advice” (I’ve come to question most parenting advice because everyone’s family is so different), just keep going with the method you’re doing of going in and putting him back down, maybe trying to move to the much-ballyhooed patting versus holding. Try talking it over with him, too; that’s an age when he might kinda understand.
My experience was that some kids will cry forever and it does seem to be really hard/damaging on them (and us). But I was never able to co-sleep either, despite my leftist parenting leanings. We were similarly stuck in the middle.
I’ll also say, off the record, you could try switching to a bottle of milk, then gradually adding water to the milk and adjusting the ratio until it ends up mostly water. This is what my husband did when I gave up. (And, this is really a big official “no-no,” but if he won’t take regular milk try chocolate milk, because breastmilk is so sweet, then mix down to plain milk, then to water.)
Good luck to you, brave soldier.
To everyone who said things like “My kids have always slept in their cribs and have pretty much been great sleepers”: Screw you. Screw you to the left, screw you to the right, screw you upside down, screw you to the north, south, east and west. (Also, congratulations.)
We tried letting our son cry it out. We furberized, or whatever. We heeded all the advice. And he would cry. And cry harder. And cry even harder. And somewhere around the 45-minute mark, he would vomit. Every. Time. And then we’d have to go in, pick him up, strip him, get him in the bath, change the sheets in his crib, dry him off, get him in clean diaper + jammies… And then start all over again. Or just say “fuck it” and let him nurse down in bed with mama.
This went on for a couple of weeks, getting absolutely no better despite the fervent reassurances of every book imaginable (clearly, they were about someone else’s kid). And you know what? We got to the point where we realized that he just needed to bein bed with us. It wasn’t that we didn’t try. It wasn’t that we fucked up. But OUR kid needed that. Some kids need other things, but ours needed that.
He’s four and a half now, and still sleeps with us. And yeah, the queen bed is getting to be tight quarters, but we’ve been making it work. Peace in our home, and a content family, has meant accepting that he sleeps with us. Don’t get me wrong; we want him out. I’d love for him to be in his own room (which he has, and never even enters), and his own bed (which he has, and has slept in a grant total of about three hours in his entire life). I’d love to fall asleep with the TV on, or even, god forbid, have sex again someday. But he panics at the mere mention of it. And bedtime already takes an hour or more every night, so if we were to go back to sticking him in his own bed in his own room, and then try to outlast the panic and hysteria, I guarantee we’d be passing the two-hour mark, the three-hour mark… Forget it. Right now, I get some evening time after he goes to sleep, and I’ve resigned myself to going to bed before 11 so that I don’t have to kill him when he wakes me up at 7 AM sharp. (And yes, I appreciate the luxury of 7 AM, compared to when some people’s kids routinely wake them up.)
Sooner or later, he’ll be a big enough lad that he WANTS his own room and space, and it’s there for him and that time comes. I fear he may be, like, seven or eight before it happens, but we’re kinda all out of fight. (And honestly, part of me will miss him when he’s not there next to me all night any more.)
So, that’s wound up working for us. I know it’s not the most appealing option, but complete resignation really might be what brings about a peaceful home.
yeah I’m not a fan of the cold turkey method. What worked for us was putting daughter in crib then soothing her back to sleep when she woke. Over a few weeks the hours between going to sooth her grew and grew. She sleeps through but occasionally co-sleeps on bad nights.
She’s about to go in her own bed now so that should be a delightful new journey o_O
Thanks for filling me in on your backstory as this is my first time over at your blog.
Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about your niece – a terrible terrible tragedy.
It really is understandable – the cosleeping I mean. My boys went through phases but it was never an every night thing for lengthy periods. I wish a magaic formula on how to break the cycle – rather than just wishing to your child’s bed. I hope that you guys can find a way to ease him into his bed that works for all of you. Who knows maybe in time you can look more like the first picture?
As hard as it is for you now, it’s just a tiny amount of time in yours and theirs whole life. We have 5 healthy, happy, confident children, ranging from 20 years down to 20 months all who know that mum and dad are there for them at the drop of a hat. Trust me when I say, there will come a time in your life where you wish you were all still curled up in your bed keeping them safe. Just remember the reasons why you started co- sleeping and trust your instincts. Read the research on crying it out and then you will remember why it’s not sitting well with you. Every parent pulls their hair out at some point in their lives but believe me when I say you are totally normal and there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing. Good luck 🙂
Just wrote a massive reply and lost it.
Check out http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html
for night weaning from breastfeeding.
I did this with my twin boys at age 2y 8m. I still cuddle them to sleep. I did the night weaning. I wore a one piece swimming costume under my clothes so I wouldn’t accidentally feed them in my sleep!
I still cosleep in their room with them from the first waking and they are 3.5y. Me in the middle on a single mattress, and each twin either side on their own mattress but they invariably creep into my bed.
It IS hard work but I think it benefits my kids long term.
One of my sons has been diagnosed with autism and I strongly feel that I need to respond to his needs when he shares them with me. When I don’t, he becomes even more closed off. Yay wouldn’t it be nice to have a kid who plays in the corner and never bothers you and doesn’t even give you eye contact, and, no, wait, that’s autism. 😉 His diagnosing psychologist said despite his diagnosis he is doing very well and has become verbal. It’s been a fight to keep his attention with us but for me cosleeping is a part of that.
His brother has possible sensory issues. He is an anxious little guy with low self esteem.
For him, if I left him to CIO, it would be all his worst fears realised. In the dark, loss of a parent, not in control, rejection, ignored cries for help. I can’t imagine the effect on him but it would be pretty horrific.
So I don’t do cosleeping because I enjoy it. I do it for the benefit of my kids. I also do t because I was terrified of the dark and had horrific nightmares as a child. When I woke, my mum would sit with me or fall asleep in my room until I fell asleep.
When the twins are a little older still, and able to understand, I will discuss what they need to help them stay in be and try reward charts and stuff.
I’m not having any more kids though. This is hard enough work! 🙂
Hey there,just reading through your post, I want to say good for you and your wife for truly wanting what is best for your beautiful babies! And even better for not listening to the old wives tales and gimmicks people put out there disguised as good advice!
Since you asked,I will give you mine,and I hope you take it in to consideration!
Babies are biologically made to need and want to be with mom and dad,when they are young,their wants and needs are the same thing! The horrid saying Self soothe is not a medical term at all,but one published in a horrible article a very long tome ago,and unfortunately it stuck! You two have given so much to your children,and I truly believe they will be better people for that! Attached babies tend to grow up to be very independent adults because their needs are met,and they trust that when they need dad or mom,that you will be there for them! I can understand wanting your own bed back but maybe just start with your bed,add a matress to the side of your bed and have mom or yourself work with the nightly routine,be in nursing to sleep or whatever,and tuck in Charlie and have your bed to your selves for a few hours,and when he wakes to nurse,bring him back to bed, start small dad! it takes time to establish a new routine in a gentle way,so that your son will continue to trust you and know that he is safe!!
Here is a good link to: http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out
Good luck,to you and your family!
We tried cold turkey (weissbluth) too and didn’t see improvement after a couple days so we moved to check and console (ferber) with much more success. It sucks bad. We gave him a lovey (angel dear brand) that he only gets in bed for self soothing. I also had a weirdo idea of putting up signs on his door and on the way there that helped a little. They said things like “if you’rescue
“If you rescue him this shitty situation only lasts longer” “this is the best thing for everyone-especially him” “give him a chance to learn” blah blah blah. It still sucked but it worked
Check.out “The NoCry.Sleep Solution” by Elizabeth.Pantley. If getting a bigger bed is not an option, try this book. I know lots of people who’ve had success with it. We’re trying to make our biology fit a.culture it wasn’t designed for. Kids are meant to sleep with parents for protection.and security. Many, many cultures around the world recognize this. You didn’t screw up by sleeping with your kids. You did what they biologically and instinctively need. The reason so many people say it is “so hard” to let kids cry it out is because we’re wired to respond.to their cries–it’s normal! Hang in.there!
Take back your bed now! I cannot stress this enough. My son just turned 10. He still wants to sleep in my bed. I thought nature would solve the problem, that he would think he’s too grown up to sleep with me. Nope – he’s a happy foot digging, toe nail scratching, hair twirling camper. I’m a step away from qualifying for disability between my impending insanity and my collection of bruises and scuffs. You need to think of this task as a Nike ad – just do it. You’ll feel guilt for 7-10 days, but you and he will get past it. Start today! Save yourself.
Have you considered seeing a sleep doula? My neighbors who had horrible sleep issues with their two say she saved their sanity. I have to concur with everyone who says reclaim your bed NOW. You and the missus need it. Good luck!
I certainly feel ya!!! Everyone needs to remember that if something doesn’t feel natural or right it’s not. I LISTEN TO EVERYONE’S ADVICE IN ALL THE DOCTORS ADVISE, I decided they were wrong. Why would I want my child to develop a negative sleep association. Something I was weak but so be it. I finally found asleep message that works for us. it’s called a good night sleep tight method and it’s the gradual process of the baby learning to self soothe. It did take a few months but now he sleeps through the night in nap are not a problem. Well most the time because the occasional tooth will cause anyone upset. If you are still looking for some suggestions they have local coaches to help walk you through it. Good luck to you!
There is a RESPECTfUL way to do it!! We did it at a similar time to you and it worked. Please read all you can on Janet Lansbury’s website! I promise the way you parent will never be the same and your kids will (eventually) thank you for it!!
GOOD NIGHT, SLEEP TIGHT. The method works, and the book allows you to pick up the method at various ages (depending on the age when you are having a problem). You still sleep-train, but it is more bearable for both you and the kid. And yes, it still takes about a week.
And if you are still having trouble, I think that she (Kim West) lives in DC and consults. Good luck.
Healthy Sleep, Happy Child – SAVED OUR LIVES! I have a 3 year old and a 5 year old. Stay strong. Back away slowly. Use ear plugs. Snuggle in the morning – have a rule the kids can come to bed after some predetermined time. It works, you get closeness and snuggles, and the pre-bed routine helps with snuggling, but also prepping for separation.
We now have a fully weaned/sleeping in his own bed 2 year old (after co-sleeping since infancy.) YAY! Best of all, we never had to let him cry it out. My husband and I both work (our son goes to a school during the day – they are amazing). It never would have work with my husband directing because my son is also a ‘boob man’ and thinks mommy is the most amazing & comforting thing on the planet – he needed to hear it from me… gradually, to get closure & transition. What I had to do for him was allow him to nurse at bed time and in the morning but not at all throughout the night. I would explain to him that ‘they were sleeping.’ Eventually we started talking about bed time routines through out the daytime and they would talk about it at school so he knew he could transition to having a book read to him at night before bed rather than nursing. So, we cut it down to one feeding in the morning. When he would wake up at night we would tell him that he could nurse when it was morning time. I think it was a total of two months of him still having the comfort of being in bed with us with less nursing before we moved him to his own bed at night (a toddler bed in the same room with us). In that time he learned he could fall asleep via book reading and when he would wake up in the morning he would toddle over and nurse once in bed with us before the day began. If he didn’t make it through the night he was allowed to sleep with us but no nursing until morning. Most nights he slept through – they need the sleep too! Hope that helps!!! Momma is probably going to have to handle this one for it to go peacefully.
Oh, you poor parents! God I feel your pain.
I have a little baby boy, a toddler now actually, and your post really brings back memories. Vivid memories. I also wrote a blog, a survival technique to vent, about everything sleep related.
Here’s the “gentle” but tough-but-not-so-tough method I used to help him sleep in his own bed. Hope it helps:
http://angelsofbabysleep.wordpress.com/2011/04/29/tough-love/
There’s also this post that might help you: http://angelsofbabysleep.wordpress.com/category/putting-baby-to-sleep/
You’re a great dad! Big pat on your back. No matter what you choose to do, it all works out in the end and your kids love you.
Take care and good luck,
Karla
The only thing I can say is….it’s gonna suck. I went thru the same process with my first. Letting her sleep with us was never in the plan. But somewhere between the constant wakeups for feeding and walking the house like a zombie with her colic, I gave in. The only answer is to let them cry. Don’t get me wrong. You will rather that someone dip you in hot glue and then roll you in tacks. It killed me to let her cry and on top of that, to lose the already precious little sleep I was getting. And a couple of nights? NOT! It took almost a full week. But, IT WAS WORTH IT! They do get the idea and crying will not hurt them. This is how they learn to self sooth. And look at it this way….Once you get thru this, if you ever have any more children, they will never sleep in your bed. EVER! Good luck!
I’m right there with you, brother. I’m the primary care taker for my two daughters. The youngest is 3 and she had a similarly hard time sleeping on her own, especially when she moved from her crib to her big-girl bed.
For what it’s worth, here’s what we did. Have a timer or watch ready. Step one: Put child to bed; Step two: Wait until child cries. Step three: Wait one minute, then go in and soothe. Step four: Leave and wait until crying resumes, but this time wait 2 minutes and then soothe. Step five: Continue the pattern but extend the time out by two minutes each time.
She had the reassurance that I was around, but she was forced her to start working it out on her own. Some nights it took forever and we all nearly lost our minds, but it progressively got better until she has developed the skill to be put to bed one time, and that’s it. She’s had absolutely no drama when going to bed for over six months. Kiss, hug, story, lights out, see you in 10+ hours.
Good luck.
I feel your pain! Although our daughter is 14, you don’t forget those years easily. Two things that helped us out was that our daughter fell asleep with my husband when he went to bed. He goes to bed early (8-8:30) and I am much later, so when she fell asleep, I would gently carry her to her room and she would sleep the rest of the night in her bed. We had to pretty much stop this when she grew tall enough that her head would bump into the door jam! Hold breath, did she wake? No. Phew! Close one.
Other option is cute…and corny. My daughter loved cradling my arm sometimes as she fell asleep. Since I needed my own arm to fall asleep, I gave her one of my old, soft sweatshirts, stuffed it inside itself into one sleeve and she was able to fall asleep holding onto my “arm” (or “armie” as we called it). If you or or wife wear it for a day or two it may help in that it will smell like you (hopefully in a good way) and comfort him.
Best of luck and restfull nights ahead! Don’t worry, they don’t go to school still sleeping with you. So be joyous it will end…someday!
My kids would fall asleep in our bed and then I would transfer them to their bed. If they woke up in the middle of the night, depending how tired I was, I would either make them stay in their bed or bring them back to our bed. Flexible was and is my key word. I need my sleep.
I have three kids (two girls and a boy) the girls were easy to get to start sleeping in their own beds, but my boy I did have to try numerous things before I finally got him into his own bed. What I found that worked best was me putting him down sitting beside his bed rubbing his back and singing to him to start with. Gradually I’d move away from his bed still singing his lullabyes until eventually I could just put some music on in his room (he enjoyed the Celtic Woman)and I’d retreat to the peace and sanctity of my own room and bed.
Never let them cry it out. That just makes things worse. You are trying to get them to trust you enough that they know you will be right there should they need you . Ignoring,their requests for love and reassurance will make them a anxious creature that just needs more and more reassurance. Make sure that they have a big kid room as an alternative. Start with naps and good night stories in ‘the big boy/girl room’. Be patient. Consider that all over the world, and in other primates, co-sleeping is essential for safety and nutrition. Taking care of their needs reliablly will give them the optimistic view of the world. Furtheremore, it gives confidence from the knowledge they have control of some pretty important parts of life. These are all good things for mental health. There are studies that show that the amount of crying at three days is correlated to how much they cry at three months, three years, etc. Nurse them on demand, immediately address any problem that is causing them to cry. Self soothing is total bull pucky. No, no, no, There is no evidence that ‘self soothing’ even exists, let alone does anything positive. Lots of studies, even cross cultural ones, say pick them up, put them in a snugglie and let them stay there all day if they want it. My goal as a parent of an infant and toddler was to make sure that they never cried. One day they weaned them themselves, and one day they wanted to sleep in their big girl room. No drama, just a happy, independent, girl who is confident enough to study and work as an engineer, (which is a male dominated field); confident enough to be working on a doctorate in systems engineering. Confident enough to defend her position, even if the conversation is with a Colonel or Major. Though she is a petite and beautiful woman, her passion for her work has given her the reputation and name as “THE PITBULL”. So for all of those folks that said, that because I never put her down, I would be creating a defendant, spoiled monster, I say neener, neener, neener.
Boy can I relate!!! I actual worked for a pediatrician while going through my sleepless nights with my son! He refused to nap !!! So by the time he actually fell asleep at night his sleep pattern was so off. I finally couldn’t take it anymore – after soothing and comforting our little guy only to be very sleep deprived and stressed out myself I felt something had to change !! I followed the advice of my very trusted drs who were also my frends. I ferberized my son. He didn’t cry for a week – he WAILED for 3 weeks. But we stuck to our guns never picking him up , just reassuring him we were there but quickly exiting the room. My husband felt it was cruel and breaking his spirit . And as much as it bothered me I could tell my son was sooo pissed off that he wasn’t getting his way but I knew we had to find a happy medium here. And as long as I was giving into him that would never happen . Eventually he settled nicely into an actual routine . The sooner he learns to wean himself from mom the human pacifier the more content he will be because he will be able to soothe and calm himself quickly . Good luck !!!!!
I so feel your pain! I commend you for doing the co-sleeping thing for this long. As parents we all know these little “angels” can suck the life right out of you before you even know what hit you! I have 3 kids, two girls with a boy in the middle. The first was a dream child, she weaned herself (not on my timeline, hers), she gave up the paci when she needed the bigger size at 18 months. She even potty-trained at 18 months. She slept through the entire night at 4 months and didn’t have too many problems with night waking after that.
Now I know how different every kid can be! Our son was a little bit more difficult. I took the paci away at 2 years old, and ever since then we have had trouble with him falling asleep at night. He’s 6 now and still takes a long time to fall asleep. It was easier for him to fall asleep with one of us in the room with him. Because we did that, he had a hard time falling asleep on his own. For awhile after we took the paci, we had to time him at night wakings. He would cry right up until the timer was going to go off. I had a hard time with making him cry it out, but I also knew he was smart enough to cry long enough for us to come save him. The bottom line is, you get to do what you want because you’re the dad. Even if you do have him cry it out, he will learn to self-soothe and sleep on his own.
Our third one is pretty good at night too. We taught her to sleep on her own early on, but I do know when I take her paci away there will be hell to pay! She loves the na-na and has now associated that with going to sleep. It’s worked awesome, but she can’t have them forever! Good luck! I’m looking forward to hearing how it goes! I just found this blog and loved this post!
Dude, We had a family bed until my daughter was a 144 months. Now she is a beautiful, well adjusted 25 year old (300 months)working professional living the dream in NYC. Get over it. Buy a king sized bed.
Hi Dad,
Love reading your blogs during my coffee break at work. My daughter Brook is 16mos old today and I’ve successfully transitioned her to her own bed in her own room. Putting her down takes about an hour. It consists of the same ritual every night, which is the key. Dad brushes her teeth with her (2 toothbrushes), then she helps feed her fish (she named him Mwah), then we read the same 2 stories every night while she has a bottle, then lights out, and rocking and lullabies until she is almost asleep. When I finally do lay her down she is so tired she grins, eyes closed, and curls up with her favorite doll and blanket. Then u leave her room. Sometimes she’ll sing herself to sleep. Usually she just snores.
When she’s teething we’ll get up one or twice at night and I’ll give her a bottle in my lap, rocking. That’s usually enough to get her to knock off again.
It took 2 weeks to get her used to her own room. That time sucked because she did cry and I had to ride the line between midnight bottles, rocking to soothe, and letting her cry (no more than 20min at a time). But after 2 wks of being consistent inmy
We were co-sleeping with our daughter from the time she was 3 months, until she was 2! Luckily for me, she always gravitated toward my husband. 🙂 But once we decided that it was time to evict her, we purchased a toddler bed and placed it at the foot of our bed. She liked the idea of having her own bed and whenever she woke up, we were there, but she was in her bed and we were in ours. It was great for all and really helped in allowing her to sleep “in her own bed.” Now, when it came time to move her back into her room, it was somewhat of a stuggle but it only took a week and a half for her to get used to waking up and NOT seeing us there. She would still come to our room from time to time, but it was manageable. She was confortable in her bed so she got used to it. The best part was there were no cries in the middle of the night and we did not feel as guilty when we moved her back to her room.
Hope this helps.
Try books by Kim West aka The Sleep Lady. She is a social worker that specializes in getting kids to sleep. No joke, that’s all she does. And she’s in Annapolis! You could go see her! She specializes in getting kids to sleep without forcing them to cry it out. I used her method to get my 2 year old to sleep in her own bed. Good luck!
http://thesleeplady.com/
I have four (4) boys ages (oldest is 7, youngest is 1). I breast-fed all of them for at least a year. I NEVER put any of them in my bed—-ever. I had some terrible sleepers, too, but I would (and did) sleep on the floor of a kid’s room before I would bring that kid into my bed. Let that kid cry it out; he is old enough to sleep through the night, and to do so in his own bed. I am not suggesting you do anything I didn’t do myself: I spent many nights sleeping on the floor when I was 8 months pregnant because my 19 month old was a terrible sleeper. Time to re-claim your bed, dude! After a few bad nights, you will be rewarded with mostly great nights!
What you’ve taught the little dictator is that if he hollers long enough, Dad (or Mom) will cave. Nothing is worse than hearing our babes cry, but sometimes the cure feels worse than the disease. In the long run, both children will benefit most from parents with enough energy to keep up with their toddlerhood adventures. Rested parents are more patient. They’re funnier. They’re less likely to say OK to things just because they don’t have enough gas in the tank to say “let’s make chicken nuggets at home instead of going through the golden arches drive-through.” Start a bedtime ritual well before bed time. Over-stimulated kids have trouble winding down. If he uses a lovey, make sure he has it. Keep bedtime drama-free: it happens every night, and it happens the same way. If you ritualize a happy bedtime now, it will be much easier to do so when both kids are school-aged, too. Good luck, and enjoy a real night’s sleep, after you get the other Important Mommy-and-Daddy Funstuff out of the way, as well! 😉
You gotta let that kid cry. You guys made a huge problem by letting him sleep in bed with you in the first place, now to change that is going to be hard. The kids think that they own you. They do not. Your bed is your bed, not theirs. SO WHAT if the little monsters cry! You need your sleep. Kids are resilient and will grow in spite of what we do to them! My kids never had a problem sleeping on their own because I never allowed that whole “climb into bed with mommy” crap in the first place. Co sleeping is a really ridiculous idea. Keep this in mind: those parents that are so into their kids that they let them sleep in bed with them, are the same people that cannot wait to toss their little angels into daycare the first chance they get. Kids need to grow and live, let them have that space. Of course if they are really scared that is really different but that kid should not be allowed ‘the boob’ at that age. He knows he can get away with it because you guys let him, and now it is a difficult habit to break. Remember that you are in charge, you are the parent, the kid can and should sleep on his own in his own bed in his own room, not with you guys.
In response to the one that said that she wouldn’t let her kid cry more than 20 minutes..Oh really? That is silly, then they learn to figure out the time that mummy will jump to their demands, like little napoleons! Let the kid cry till it falls asleep. There is plenty of time for comfort during the day. I think they need to learn early that they have to sleep on their own.. I am a mom and I have two kids, and get this breasty feeders: I did NOT breastfeed them! ooooo I am the ultimate in bad parenting. I am not a milk cow! I am SO awful that now they are in grad school, one in law school and the other for speech therapy. OOO bad mom using formula and letting her kids cry themselves to sleep!
Yours,
Evil Mother.
This article saved my sanity after our first daughter co-slept for 3 years and I plan to use this method again with our youngest:
http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html
Dr. Jay Gorden offers a kind but solid strategy for night-weaning that won’t leave you guilt-ridden in the morning. I would say if you can get him night-weaned first, the transition into his own bed will be easier for everyone.
Seriously *****THIS WORKS****
Good luck!!!!
When my now husband and I started dated my daughters were 3 1/2 and 2. The girls had always slept with me since I separated from their father when the younger one was just an infant. When my now husband would come over to our house, I would have to excuse my self for anywhere from 30 minutes to and hour or so to go in to my room and lay with the girls until they fell asleep. Then, after they had been asleep a while we would move them to their room. Sometimes they would sleep thru the night and sometimes not.
He suggested that I do something about them sleeping in my bed (for obvious reasons). He helped me and together we tried and tried. Finally, he went out and bought them a small TV with a DVD player in it. We would turn the TV on and set the sleep timer to 30 minutes (or maybe an hour on the weekends), and shut the door, leaving a night light on in their room. IT WORKED!!!! If by chance they were not asleep when the TV shut off, we did force them to stay in their beds. They cried a little, but after a couple of weeks….we were sleeping by ourselves!!!
This post is hilarious! Thanks for sharing. I fell for you, I do. It’ll all work out, you’ll see. Although we do get our own bedroom back to us, I still have the monitor turned WAAAAAAY up and it’ll be there until he takes it out. Hopefully it’ll be there until he moves out, but probably not. :o) I remember those concerns though when my son was much younger and he’d have the flu and we’d sit with him until he was resting comfortably in his room with him. Now I am ecstatic that I don’t have to get up with him in the middle of the night to use the toilet. Ah, each age has something fun to look forward too!
I just found your sight and LOVE this post. We too are in a co-sleeping nightmare. We have a 4 year old that just won’t stay in his room. We also have an almost 1 year old who we just did CIO with. Check out this webiste(www.troublesometots.com)…it is all about sleeping issues with kids. Alexis has some pretty good advice. We are now able to put our baby in his room at night and he goes to sleep totally on his own — no crying. The next part is keeping him asleep — sometimes he sleeps till 4 in the morning (goes down at 7) and sometimes he’s up every 3 or so hours. Our next phase is to night wean him. I think the key is to not tackle everything at once. I would start first with getting him to figure out how to go to sleep on his own and then tackle the night weaning. Does he take a bottle at all?
I tried to comment on the article posted on aol this morning, but never did see it so Im gonna post here 🙂 when my boy was 3.5 and daughter was about a year I moved them from my bed to theirs, we would get jammies on brush teeth, and climb into bed, and I would read Harry Potter, in a very monotone voice! kids would be out with in a page two at the most. I would start our routine at about 7pm and kids would be out by 7:30, today boy is almost 10 and girl is 7 still in bed by 7:30, and the only kids I know that when caught trying to stay up later quietly in their rooms are in there reading instead of playing or sneaking candy! PS my monotone voice had no effect on their personal reading voices girl is one of the most animated readers in her class 🙂 7:30 bed time gives so much time for parents to have time to themselves and kids are well rested and ready for the day! GOOD LUCK!
Hey:
Your after pic looks pretty good. Mine made me look like a barely warmed over, slightly wan Zombie. You look great as a matter of fact. Keep up the good work…
Phil
I’m sure you received a LOT of answers. Mine is relatively simple…when the kids were infant/toddler aged, I sang them to sleep. Sometimes it would take more than 1 song and as they got older they sang along! My husband wasn’t much of a singer but Jingle Bells was his song of choice…no matter what time of year!
Hi, we went through the same issue. We tried everything the pediatricians recommended. We finally laid a twin mattress on the floor and he had to start in his room at night. If he needed to he could come and lay on the mattress on the floor. He had to be quiet and lay down. Just a thought.
My first born, who is 11 years old now, NEVER wanted to sleep in his crib or be by himself. He’s never been a good sleeper either. He would cry whenever left to sleep in his crib. I rejected the Ferber method in which you lock them in their room and let them scream it out. My personal feeling is I think it’s cruel and damages their trust in us. I did try the Baby Whisperer method, in which I would lay him back down in the crib each time he cried. I gave up after 30-40+ times. I spoke with my pediatrician, who has 6 kids of his own, who had tried the Ferber method with his first child (didn’t work) and never did it again. He let them bring their bedding or sleeping bag and sleep on the floor in his room saying, “As long as you don’t wake me up…”. We’ve done that, pretty much. There have been times that he has crawled into bed (unbeknownst to us, fully). This can be so disruptive (every movement would wake us to some degree) and dangerous. Both my husband and I have been awakened by a kick in the face and nose (his head is at the foot of the bed and his feet end up by our heads). I honestly believe this is why he has begun snoring (he has been diagnosed with a deviated septum). I have been smacked in the nose numerous times, am having sinus issues and am about to see the ENT doctor about it. It turns out my son was diagnosed with anxiety (at age 8) and been treated(which is why he never wanted to be alone as a small child) and I am so glad I was sensitive to his needs. He would never have done well with the Ferber method. He also has ADHD (diagnosed at age 5) – which is why he is such a restless sleeper. My other son, 9 years old has always been a solid sleeper – no issues. We allow snuggling in bed at times, but when it’s time to go to sleep they will sleep on the floor occasionally, but mostly sleep in their own beds. I hope this helps!
Much sympathy! We only co-sleep when we travel and it is brutal. We did do the pack and play in our room for the first 7 months, and then through the remainder of the 13.5 months of nursing I went into his room for it. It helped to start getting him used to his room by having a consistent soothing routine and getting him to nap in there before we made the nighttime move; and we actually had a really good rhythm going with rocking him to sleep and laying him in his crib, giving him a drink of water when he woke up and leaving (sometimes after a quick back rub) (blanket over the side of the crib so he couldn’t see movement in the room.) THEN right about 18 months our little ninja climbed out of his bed and took a harrowing adventure through our house ultimately shutting himself in the dark in the downstairs only to be discovered screaming himself senseless when we woke up and panicked that we had slept in (for some reason) hours later. As you can imagine I nearly had a heart attack and went on a baby proofing spree including a switch to a toddler bed so we didnt have to worry about him breaking his neck escaping his crib again. The thing is, now he can see everything in his room and he can get up whenever he pleases and when he does get up he screams his head off. After a month or so of adjusting, he is pretty used to the bed, but we end up sleeping on his floor in the early morning to keep him down until a reasonable hour… The most effective thing I have found is the advice to tell them during bedtime they are supposed to stay in bed, that you love them, but at nighttime you will not be smiling or playing, and if they get up they will be put back in bed (gently, with no positive or negative engagement)… Anyway, he is crying as I type so forgive my disjointed thoughts, I need to go see if he can self soothe or in going to have to go put him back in his bed…
(I have a friend whose kiddo sleeps in one place and they have a king, I’m told that makes co-sleeping cake)
Be guilt free, and consistent! Have a bedtime routine and keep checking on the babies every five or ten minutes at first and then make it a little longer, until you have gotten to one half hour and in the morning tell them about how you checked and they were asleep. Once they believe you will always check, they will relax. Even the little one. But be consistent. This is probably the toughest step parents take with small children, and you will go through it now and again over the years as they develop fears – perfectly normal. And when they are teenagers and you have to dig your heels in about something big and say “No”, this training will benefit you too! You are the parent and you know what is right for you and your children, even if you would rather cave in and make them happy!
Im pulling myself from the shared bed as we speak….laughing really hard (sorry). You see, our Ava, who is five, climbs into our bed like a stealthy ninja each night, while i, on my right side catering to our 20 month old boob monster –quietly allow it, lest i wake a hungry goblin who must suckle at every sound.
Advice? My head is pounding…………
First, is Charlie an 18-month old that would benefit from positive reinforcement? For example, offer him a “reward” if he can sleep in his bed half the night …. Ultimately, you titrate to the whole night. Granted, it may be super slow because you may only succeed one night a week.
Second, while no one ever died from crying, the National Institute of mental health are doing studies looking at cry-it-out and elevated cortisol levels long term, which can lead to prolonged anxiety/depression.
My husband loves to let my son cry-it-out. I do not, and yet, my child sleeps through the night. For me and my son, allowing him to cry when he wakes make me feel like he will ultimately get the message that I will not be there when he needs me. Now, if he wakes up in the middle of the night and he is whining but NOT crying, or babbling, I let him babble. Having a preemie he has gone through major growth spurts, and I find with his growth spurts or teeth he always wakes up. All is wants is snuggled and rocked. I think knowing you will be there will help him. My husband does the sitting in front of him gig and he just FLIPS out more. take the time you need to get him adjusted. Once he talks he can tell you what he needs. My preemie has a speech delay and can’t tell me what’s wrong and since he has airway issues, I go in to see if he is okay. Good luck! Remember, it won’t last long— all kids move out of parents bed….. There aren’t many pre-teens and up sleeping with parents
Well as the mother of 2 boys age 14 and 16 I can say your doctor is right. Lay him down and let him scream. It will take 3-5 nights depends on how stubborn he is. But he will go to sleep on his own. Stay strong. The more you give in the worse he will get!
Antihistamines. Ask your doctor for the pale green liquid, I forget the name. That’s what my pediatrician, who has been practicing for 30 years, prescribed for the entire family to take for 3 weeks until new sleep habits formed. Best thing I have ever done. That was 4 years ago.
I didn’t have time to read 67 responses so if what im writing a repeat I apologize. I have 4 daughters, ranging in ages from 10 years to 3 months, and have Co-slept with all of them. Needless to say I feel your pain! The easiest to get out of my bed was my now 2 year old, who has been sleeping on her own since about 18 months. (Just in time for our new baby to take her place) . It was a process to get her in there, but there was little to no crying. I started out rocking her to sleep at night then putting her in her crib, when she woke up in the middle of night she could see my husband and I and wouldn’t freak out. She did cry sometimes but we would just let her sleep with us on those nights. Eventually she stopped waking in the middle of the night all together. After we won that battle we moved on to the war; getting her to fall asleep on her own. This involved some crying but what I found was that if I acted like it was no big deal then she was more calm. We would make our rounds to her dad and sisters saying goodnight and giving kisses. Then I would put her in bed and kiss her goodnight, if she started to cry I would just tell her calmly that it was time to go to bed. Sometimes she cried, but she would eventually go to sleep. I hope some of these things work for you. Cause my 10 year old slept with us till she was 5 and my 5 year old till she was 3. Getting them out of our
Bed was a nightmare! And involved alot of tears. Mostly from me.
please check out the book called “the no cry sleep solution” it was a miracle for our family. ( i cringe every time someone talks about letting the kids cry it out. it is awful for their sense of self worth and security!)
Our son co-slept for a long time. I fell out of bed a few times. Tried letting him cry it out. Eventually he started sleeping in his own bed and then coming in with us when he woke up every night. Good thing with that was that we would only allow him in after taking a leak. Wet his bed maybe two times. They are only little once. Suck it up and think how in a few quick years you’ll be lucky to get them to grunt at you. Then you will look back with fondness at getting kicked in the —- while snuggling with them in bed.
Hi Adrian, my company made gift bags for Ava’s birthday party a few years ago. I’ve been following your blogs etc. You are a riot! So back to the sleeping issue. My Mother bless her heart said to me a million times, don’t let them sleep with you, you’ll regret it. Since I am a Mother of 5, the youngest is a Senior in high school, the oldest a nurse with 2 of her own, I have learned a few things the hard way. Number 4 would not sleep. I think he was a vampire. He would wake up every 2 hours all night long and if I put him in bed with me he would sleep but he would also want the boob every time he would wake up until I was so exhausted I would bounce off the doorways the next day. So what worked for me was I would get up , change his diaper, give him a small bottle (I know your not supposed to do that but damn we needed to get through this anyway we could!) rock him a little and lay him down in his bed. He was very much a Mommas’ boy and still is even though he’s a sophomore at UC and 215#. I just kept reassuring him before I left his room. I would rub his back and talk to him;Mommy will see you in the morning, I love you etc. etc. Finally it clicked and when he realized that I wasn’t going to put him in bed with me he just stopped and started sleeping though the night. It was hell for a while but you will get there I PROMISE!! Hang in there!
OMG – I feel your pain! I was the biggest advocate for “they MUST sleep in their own bed” when my son was little. BUT he never slept through the night either. He would go back to sleep, he just insisted that we all wake up a few times throughout the night. My daughter on the other hand, started off really well. We started with the bassinet, then the pack n play….I wasn’t just ready yet to move her to her crib so it was me on the couch (pack n play wouldn’t fit in our bedroom at the time without a major redecoration project) and her in the pack n play next to me. Then nights on the floor in her room while she slept in her crib. This worked great, she slept through the night like a champ!!! Well, one day when she was supposedly napping in her crib (at about 18 months old) she attempted to scale the sides and climb out. She fell and broke her wrist. This ended up with a cast and all kinds of stress for mom and dad. AND the crib was gone, done, out the door. We bought a toddler bed two days later. Guess what…she hated it. It was right back to the couch, the pack n play, eventually to her on the couch with me, then when my back couldn’t take the couch anymore, she wound up in our bed again. Now, she is 3 1/2 and still there. She believes that it is HER room, HER bed and when we’ve brought up the concept of putting her toddler bed in our room to attempt to at least get her to sleep in her own bed (She refuses, won’t do it, and screams loud enough that law enforcement has been called…twice) she informs us that she sleeps between mommy and daddy and no where else. Mommy is a foot rest or head rest and daddy is the other, depends on which way she ends up. A decent night of sleep has been a long sought after goal for us for so long now, I don’t think I would know what to do with one. I am partially to blame for this because when she was littler, I really enjoyed sleeping beside her. My husband worked away a lot and it was comforting to know that she was right there beside me. For her too, she missed her daddy and having mommy extra close helped keep her calm. BUT NOW…enter into the time we should be getting ready for preschool registration and signing up for dance or sports and she absolutely will not sleep anywhere but in my bed. Right between us. Thankfully we have a sense of humor or things would’ve went south in this marriage a long time ago. A foot jammed into your mouth at 4 a.m. is never fun. We’re still on this journey though. Our first plan of attack is to put the toddler bed in our room (we now have a larger house) and transition her to that in our room. Next step, BIG GIRL ROOM! I plan to redecorate her room and let her help me pick the colors or theme and hopefully convince her that only big girls get to help with these projects (she likes to craft with her mommy:) and that she must sleep in there. *Fingers crossed* Good luck!!!!
Oh yea- I forgot to mention: she literally KICKED me out of my own bed one night…yea, I hit the floor. Fun. Not. So we are definitely working very hard to get Lil Miss into her own bed so mommy and daddy can finally stretch out again. 🙂
We’re new parents (with a 12 week old). So far, he’s been sleeping in a crib in our room, and my husband is always saying “let’s bring him into bed with us” thinking it’ll be so lovely and sweet. I keep saying, “No, it’s not safe” as he’s a deeeeep sleeper and I truly do fear for my little one being smothered by daddy. But you bring up some other really good points
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To each his own, and hopefully you and your wife already have your bed back at this point! But if not, we used a modified version of cry it out and it worked wonderfully. It took a week but now our daughter sleeps for 10 hours! We actually have time together again! We would wait 5 minutes before we would go into her room. If she was still crying after 5 minutes my husband would go in and pat her stomach and try to sooth her. As time went on he slowly distanced himself and instead of patting her would talk to her looking in her crib. Then a few feet away from the crib. Then at the door, etc. It helped her know she hadn’t been abandoned but helped us get our bed and marriage back! Good luck! There is no “right way” do what your family is comfortable with.
I have been with my wife for 9 years, ISleep in the spare room 100% of the time as she co sleeps with our 3 year old son and 11 month daughter. I love and miss her so much. I am just about fed up with the situation and feel its going to end badly very soon if she can’t wake up and see I’m miserable.
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