Sometimes when I see stay-at-home dads being all competent and relaxed, hoisting their toddlers one-handed while making realistic elephant sounds, I feel a little threatened.
Outwardly, I’m supportive and feminist. Inside, I’m more like Kit De Luca in Pretty Woman when she confronted that hooker for encroaching on her Hollywood Boulevard turf:
“Yo, the moms and me, we work Mickey Mouse. We work Elmo. We work Barney. We work all the way down to Dora the Explorer. This is our turf. We got seniority. You better get off our corner.”
The number of stay-at-home dads has doubled in the past decade, partly due to the economy. But rather than bumbling through an awkward shift brought on by circumstances, the stay-at-home dads I know seem to be taking it all in stride. Thriving, even. Seriously, stay-at-home dads, your ability to just ease into the primary caregiver role like it’s a job folding sweaters at The Gap is making the rest of us look bad. At least Michael Keaton’s Mr. Mom had the courtesy to feed the baby raw chili and overflow the washing machine.
Today’s SAHD’s make parenting seem too easy and fun. And that’s no good for me or my stay-at-home mom job security.
My partner and I have a fairly traditional arrangement. He wins the bread and I butter it, staying home with our 21-month-old daughter. I like it this way. But if I complain about anything – a missed nap, a melt-down, a chunky bout of car sickness – instead of sympathy and appreciation, I get wistful jealousy. My man swears up and down he’d switch places with me “in a heartbeat.” And that’s your fault, stay-at-home dads, what with your cute baby Bjorn photos on Facebook and your weekday games of tag at the park.
House-bound parents are supposed to be cranky, tired, fat and lonely, covered in spit-up and plagued with self doubt – not hand-crafting wooden toys and starting non-profits in your free time. Play by the rules.
The modern stay-at-home dad’s evolution from clueless cartoon to sexy superhero is not the only part of this whole trend that annoys me. I’m bitter that since you’re men and not women, you’re easier on yourself and each other. How nice that must be for you.
Moms, am I wrong? Take an alpha male out of the boardroom and put him in a parent/toddler class and you will see a parent who is not afraid to take pride in his accomplishments: “Yeah, potty training, I crushed that bitch!” We moms are too busy prefacing every comment, “So I’m sure this is my fault and I’m totally screwing up my kid but…” to ever pat ourselves on the back and relax.
While dudes are generous enough to be self deprecating about their parenting misfires (see: Dad or Alive), they’re not nearly as likely as mommies to beat themselves up and shame-spiral.
That’s why you never hear about “daddy wars.” Stay-at-home dads don’t have to judge and disparage other fathers just to make themselves feel better about their choices. They already feel fine. Because they’re guys. And that’s just not fair.
Plus they don’t have to lose the baby weight.
So I say this with the utmost affection and admiration:
Back off, stay-at-home dads.
Amy writes the blog Carriage Before Marriage about being a mom to a toddler while still planning her wedding to her fiance/babydaddy. She likes to gripe about parenthood but wouldn’t trade it for the world. She’s a stay-at-home mom who wants to be a stay-at-home dad. You can follow Amy on Facebook HERE and also check out her Twitter feed – @cb4m.
I’m actually not in agreement here. I find that the Stay at Home Dads I run into on the playground are incredibly apologetic and overly explanatory. I mean, the reality is that when we see a guy standing on the sidelines of the playground, hands in his pockets, we’re wondering what he’s doing with those hands.
I’ve heard more Dads explain to me why they are the ones staying at home than the Moms who are unfairly expected to take on this role. Dads find themselves have to defend themselves from being thought of as creeps on the playground, whereas any woman on the playground is heralded as a hero for making it out of the house that day.
Being a stay at home parent is hard, and I imagine might even be harder for Dads who not only have to battle the women for inclusion, but also have their masculinity held in question amongst their male peers in suits at Back to School Night.
I applaud all you Stay at Home Dads for being the providers of love care and education for your little ones, and for crossing gender boundaries when your counterparts feel like they have to bring home the bacon to protect their masculinities.
I really enjoyed this blog post. As a SAHD myself I think us guys are better at hiding or masking feelings. Trust me I have feelings of self doubt at times and could stand to lose a few pounds myself. Just plow forward and try not to compare yourself. We are dads not moms, so relax you aren’t being replaced anytime soon. 🙂
First of all, it’s parenting, not a contest. Do a good job, and your kid will reward you. Do a crap job and reap the consequences. No need to battle over it.
Would it help you to know that we have struggles too? Because we do. What about the way that we have to explain to our kids why everyone leaves the playground when we show up sporting our Movember mustaches? What about the rejection we face from mommy playgroups that won’t consider at-home dads? Not to mention that there are not many parenting classes for dads. The guys you know may just be easy going and not show their emotions, but trust me, we all struggle. Most of us just prefer to talk to other guys about it. One thing I do know, none of us could be excelling at home without an AWESOME SPOUSE. We LOVE moms, and support them 100% whether they work or stay home.
And as a final thought, I will say that in order for women to advance in the workplace, some men are going to have to be better at home. While it may make you uncomfortable, it helps a lot of women fulfill their dreams. Maybe instead of us backing off (because that’s really not likely to happen since it isn’t good for our families), maybe you should consider and taking one for the team.
Man, I actually loved this post. In Amy’s defense, I think this was pretty clearly tongue-in-cheek as far as her actually having a beef with at-home dads.
She may or may not know all of the other stuff that at-home dads have to deal with that moms generally don’t (lack of community or family support, being treated like a predator, having our manhood questioned, damage to future career potential, etc.), but I actually kind of find this pretty refreshing. And a good reminder that for every stupid thing at-home dads uniquely have to deal with, there is something at-home moms struggle with that we dads either are rarely faced with or rarely occurs to us to be stressed about in the first place.
The bar for “Super Dad” is SO low. We are SO often condescendingly praised for simply managing not to be completely incompetent, or only by comparison with the dad who is absent, uninvolved, or hands-on as little as possible. But here Amy is (in her own satirical way) acknowledging that she sees the at-home dads around her actually being really really GOOD at the whole primary caregiver thing, and that they are actually setting a higher bar for ALL at-home parent.
So, thanks Amy.
I second Chris’s sentiment, and again I’ll say it was very entertaining and refreshing to read. Would love to read more!
Of course it was sarcasm. I mean, who doesn’t love at-home dads? I just find it to be a lot more awkward for everyone if I respond to sarcasm as if it’s not sarcasm. Since I’m an at-home dad whose got it all together, I obviously have all sorts of free time to scheme like that.
I seriously debated whether or not to tell her to “hike up her big girl undies” when I said to take one for the team. Probably good that I didn’t. Oh wait… it’s out there now. It really is well written, but my comments still stand for those who read this and don’t get that it’s sarcasm.
Hey, since we’ve all got so much free time, why don’t you guys go make the kids (and yourself) some apple slice fangs (check out today’s post) and party like you’re sexy vampires. Or sexy werewolfs. Either way, post some pictures and we’ll all get a good chuckle. 🙂
(see above) … because we’re all pretty awesome parents for a good variety of reasons. And our kids think we’re #1 because we’re so darn fun. And, we all secretly love Twilight. Right? (Okay, maybe that’s just me.)
This was a good read. As a SAHD, however, sometimes it’s not all fun and games. Getting smashed in the face by a surprisingly hard plastic toy hammer is one thing that makes me re-evaluate staying at home with my child. But like most things, I just try to enjoy it while holding a toy shield to cover my face.