OTHER PEOPLE’S PARENTS #6: How To Seduce a Mommy.

This story was contributed by our good friend Amy at @cb4m – ENJOY!

It’s 10pm and you’re feeling frisky.  The mother of your children is just inches away from you in bed looking saucy in her, um, flannel pajamas.

You reach for her.  Does she:

A)  Pretend to be asleep.

B)  Slap your hand away.

C)  Tell you to get it over with quick (while still watching Khloe & Lamar).

D)  Jump on top of you, reverse cowgirl-style.

If you answered D, you can skip to the end, you big liar.   Otherwise, here are some tips on how to get a mommy interested in having sex with you.

• TALK DIRTY:  Don’t be shy.  A little dirty talk can really put your lady in the mood.  If you’ve never done it before, here are some helpful examples.  “I put the dirty clothes in the hamper.”  “I washed the dirty dishes.” “The kids got dirty, so I gave them a bath.”  Lines like these are total panty-droppers, the dirtier, the better.
• RUB HER THE RIGHT WAY:  Listen up, because I’m going to let you in on an ancient female secret.  Every woman has three erogenous zones that, if you rub vigorously for 20-30 minutes, will result in intense waves of pleasure.  They are:  Her back.  Her shoulders.  Her feet.  You’re welcome.
• GET AUTO-EROTIC:  Women don’t talk about this as much as guys do, but a little ‘self-stimulation’ can really set the stage for some hot lovemaking.  When I get time alone, you know how I like to stimulate myself?  By reading the new Entertainment Weekly, watching 30 Rock and exfoliating my face.  Oooh yeah, that’s nice.  Right there.

In all seriousness, once kids are in the picture, finding the time, energy or desire to do what used to come naturally can be hard (that’s what she said).   But once you’ve done the nasty, you never regret the 15 minutes of postponed sleep.

In fact, you sleep better.  Sex releases tension, prevents arguments and generally puts everyone in a better mood, so it’s worth trying to make it happen a little more often.

If you really want to seduce a mommy, be kind to her.  Tell her she’s a great mom, even if she left the baby on the bus that one time.  Tell her she’s beautiful, even when she’s wearing yesterday’s sweatpants.  Listen to the most mundane parts of her stories with the same attention you’d give to Sportscenter on draft day.  Touch her when you’re not in bed.  Shower her with love.  Also, shower.

Now go forth and bone.

Amy has a 15-month old daughter and is trying for baby #2 so she has sex on the brain.  She hopes maybe her parents and in-laws could skip reading this post for everyone’s sake.  Amy writes the blog Carriage Before Marriage – about her backwards, but entertaining life plan.  You can follow her on Facebook HERE and also check out her Twitter feed – @cb4m – which Adrian convinced her to try, but she still doesn’t understand.