This story was contributed by our friend Liz at @happymess – ENJOY!
I am the mother of a son.
I’m a woman and he’s a boy.
We have a very special bond that will (hopefully) last a lifetime but we also have some major differences, which are starting to become apparent to him lately and it’s getting rather…awkward.
You see, my son is two years old. He’s still in diapers but he’s starting to understand that boys are girls are different. He’s also starting to demonstrate that he’s a full-fledged boy.
He laughs when he farts. He plays with himself in the tub. He burps. He jokingly asks if he can sleep in his crib naked because nudity is obviously HILARIOUS.
While I have no problem with little boys handling their junk or laughing about moronic bathroom humor (my husband still does, lord help me), I’m starting to wonder how to handle the more awkward situations that are sneaking into our daily routine.
Let’s start with the most basic scenarios. Since I’m a stay-at-home mom, my son and I are together all day. He comes in the bathroom with me when we’re at home. He gets dragged into women’s restrooms out in public. We shower together after swimming.
It’s nearly impossible to shake him from my trail when we’re home. He feels entitled to his mama at all times. This can be very endearing but also a little stifling. And embarrassing.
It’s one thing for him to play with his cars while I pop a squat real quick. But when I need to change a tampon, it’s not time for everyone to gather ‘round and watch. But oh, he does! And being the nice boy that he is, he likes to help. “Here mama” he says sweetly as he hands me the tampon. I reach down to do my business, blushing as I feel two little eyes watching curiously. “Me help!” he squeals as he reaches between my legs…
Oh hell no! I shoo him out of the bathroom with a frazzled fear that I’ve scarred him for life. But what am I supposed to do? He is ALWAYS WATCHING ME.
Taking him out in public has become another exercise in humility. We head into women’s restrooms for diaper changes. I plop him onto the dirty public changing table and change him with lightening speed. But when I put him down so I can go wash my hands he darts away, peeking under stalls and giggling at the poor old ladies doing god-knows-what inside. “HI PEOPLE!” he yells gleefully.
And don’t get me started on doctor’s appointments. Taking him with me is no longer an option. He cries hysterically when the doctor just looks in my ear. What’s going to happen when mommy is spread-eagle in the stir-ups getting a pap smear? ((shudder))
These are the complications I did not foresee when I popped out a little boy two years ago.
He is the sweetest little guy imaginable — cuddly, giggly, happy, smart, and incredibly good-natured. But what am I supposed to do when he’s nuzzled into my shoulder and starts snapping my bra strap? Or putting toys down my cleavage? Or poking my boobs? Not so cute anymore.
It may be time to institute some new rules around the house, starting with Rule #1: All personal hygiene must be taken care of during nap time. Rule #2: Have a daughter.
Liz is your typical neurotic, overtired, and underpaid stay-at-home mom. She lives in CT with her husband and two-year-old son Benjamin. Her survival kit includes: strong coffee, lots of wine, a good therapist, more wine, and a sense of humor.
You can read more about her journey through motherhood and life with a toddler on her blog at: http://shorelinemommy.
Bawhahah – Who knew staying at home could be such a crazy adventure of embarrassing hilarity 😛 Loved your stories…I can already see them starting to happen with my cousins little guy..ha!
Maybe he’ll grow up to be a very successful gynecologist? 🙂
I have almost DIED laughing. This is brilliant and OH SO true! My almost-3-year old has a habit of snuggling his hands in my boobage while I’m carrying him/standing in a queue at a grocery store/sitting down trying to have a conversation with a friend over coffee …
I feel your pain, Liz. We were out for a nice brunch a couple of months ago with my in laws and lucky for us we were seated in a private room so my two boys could have some room to roam without disturbing the other patrons. I’m usually emotionally prepared for the various embarrassing situations that my little men create but this time I was out of my league. I was tending to my infant daughter when I heard that all too familiar sound of the boys in some form of combat. I was SOOOO happy to see that they had fashioned swords out of my super plus sport (nothing sporty about this cotton rockets) tampons. The dual was leaking out into the hallway and heading for the main dining area. The worst part of this scenario was that I needed those God damn things and they were ruining them! I mean trying to rethread those suckers in light deprived public stalls, is a serious bitch. Thankfully I was able to corral them and confiscate their weaponry but of course not before my father in law realized what was going on. Nice. It was a real proud moment for me.
This is hilarious, Liz, and I can totally relate, although I think toddler girls are the same in terms of uninhibited curiosity. Thankfully, they’re too young to understand!
If it makes you feel any better, my toddler daughter does/has done all of the above – laughing at farts, burps, peeking under stalls, poking my boobs in public, toys down my shirt, “helping” in the bathroom with the feminine products, etc. All of it. Oh, and she likes to pull my shirt up and play with the fat on my stomach. Good times.
If it makes you feel any better, my toddler daughter does/has done all of the above – laughing at farts, burps, peeking under stalls, poking my boobs in public, toys down my shirt, “helping” in the bathroom with the feminine products, etc. All of it. Oh, and she likes to pull my shirt up and play with the fat on my stomach. Good times.