Dad’s In Deep Sh!t
OMFG. There he is. Right in the middle of it.
If I were lucky, I’d have a kid that licked stripper poles or ate cigarette butts off the ground. Nope. Not that fortunate. Ava wants to eat tic-tacs and medical waste. Blood transfusion tubes make great straws and our morning snack could be a lanced mole or, if we’re really lucky, maybe an AIDS needle!
Sometimes you just get the perfect day. You’re getting the kids ready to go out and the stars align perfectly. The diaper bag is already stocked up from the day before, her bib caught all the stains at lunch and spared the shirt. You didn’t get poop on your hands while changing the diaper and
Every day is my Gettysburg. I wake up in what feels like a ditch, wipe the crusty breastmilk from my (her) eyes and contemplate the strategy that will help us defeat the enemy, and live to get drunk another day. We kiss and hug our families, crank up a Starbucks and hit the metro, freeway
Our responsibilities as parents are many, but there are a few specific duties that we have as fathers. For our sons, we need to show them how to get out of a headlock and throw a roundhouse. We need to teach them how to change a flat tire, tie a hook and properly hock a
ME: Honey, why aren’t you eating those black olives? AVA: It’s kind of tough to chew those while I’m sucking the knowledge out of this baby head. I want to learn faster Dad! ME: Ava, you can’t learn things any quicker by eating peoples brains. I have to teach you. You’re learning new stuff everyday.
ME: Here you go honey, it’s a one-time deal. Your mom isn’t home and I need you to pipe down, so have at this white chocolate lollipop. AVA: Wow! Talk about telekinetic activity, look at this mess! Ectoplasmic residue. It’s the real thing. AVA: KISSSSSS MEEEEEEEE. ME (internally): HOLY SHIT. Is she channeling Dr. Ray
WIFE: We should take Ava to the American Girl store and see if she likes anything. We don’t have to buy something, we’ll just look! ME (internally): Oh yeah, sure. We’ll just go and ‘look’. I’ve been down this road before. DEAR MILITARY, SEND THE PREDATOR DRONES TO STRIKE ME DOWN AT THE LOS ANGELES