And just like that, droves of angry parents take to the streets, heading towards my house, holding kitchen mops with roofing nails hammered through them and a DIY catapult dragged by an old Fisher-Price horsey, meant to launch flaming poop diapers at me while defending my front porch.
People that own minivans are a special breed, they’re exceptionally proud of their investment and will not hesitate to go full-Vader on you, in an attempt to bring you across to the dark side.
Over the past few years, I’ve honestly found myself taking the long way around at BBQ’s to fill my plate, simply to avoid that guy, who I know, will want to drag me into the parking lot to show me the DVD player, the Barca-lounger captain’s chairs or how his van looks like a Transformer when all the doors open up simply by pushing a button.
I get it, you guys. I can see how these features may make life a bit more convenient, but I just can’t do it. I don’t want my picture to pop up on Google images when someone types in ‘Suburbia’ – standing there in my penny loafers and woven belt, holding my monogrammed Venti travel cup. But, to each his own.
I understand the struggle of driving around town once you’ve got a flock of toddlers in tow. There was once a time, in which my wife and I both enjoyed the luxury of a mid-sized crossover, but once we needed to add a third car seat, there was no where to put the dog, the stroller, the groceries – let alone any luggage if we were taking a road trip.
It began to look like a clown car and commanded the attention of onlookers in the parking lot at the strip mall, when the door opened and garments, loaves of bread and young children spilled out onto the pavement.
However, aside from buying a used assisted living shuttle bus complete with tour guide CB intercom system, your choices are pretty limited. The market for manly third-row SUV’s is thin – but they are out there.
I actually used Autotrader to drill down and find the exact things I was looking for, like oil slicks, missile launcher and ejection seats equipped with parachutes for when I get fed up with my kids asking when we’re going to be there. I even found vehicles that have implemented my cable-pulley system (patent pending) that allows you to shuttle items from the front to the back of the truck, instead of throwing Camelbaks and bags of chips at my kid’s heads with high velocity on the freeway. Just kidding, you guys, this stuff doesn’t exist. Well, at least not ALL of it.
Okay, alright, perhaps I’m living in an alternate reality, however, Autotrader did give me that drivetastic feeling, allowing me to search for important features like that third row, back-up camera and 4-wheel drive to get me through those brutal NorthEast winters. Drivetastic is that feeling you get when you find the perfect car or truck, the perfect way, using Autotrader.
I finally landed on a big ole’ 8-seat SUV/Truck.
Sure, I’m still this nudnik – driving up the eastern seaboard with a carrier AND a U-Haul attached to the hitch, but I’ve got the room, the power and similar conveniences that my good friends have with their mini-vans.
Whether you’re a monogamous gigolo with enough kids for a soccer team and outgrown your current vehicle, or you’re just looking to upgrade or downgrade, Autotrader wants you to give them a shot.
To sweeten the deal,get your full attention (not while driving, of course), and help you channel your inner-drivetastic they want me to find a few lucky people to receive a $50 AMEX gift card, PLUS a set of 5 custom air fresheners – including The Pacifier, Scent of a Gentleman, Tailpipes of Passion, Traffic Tranquilizer or the Endless Sunroof. They’re all bound to reverse the smell of fast food French fry farts or baby vomit that has currently consumed your whip.
Personally, I started stuffing these bad boys in between my kids’ diaper and his shorts, to give us an extra hour of breathing room on those long interstate voyages – but again, to each his own.
Enter the raffle below and learn more about Autotrader and Drivetastic by checking them out online or following them on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. You should also check out #Drivetastic on Twitter for more info!
a Rafflecopter giveaway