And just like that, droves of angry parents take to the streets, heading towards my house, holding kitchen mops with roofing nails hammered through them and a DIY catapult dragged by an old Fisher-Price horsey, meant to launch flaming poop diapers at me while defending my front porch.
People that own minivans are a special breed, they’re exceptionally proud of their investment and will not hesitate to go full-Vader on you, in an attempt to bring you across to the dark side.
Over the past few years, I’ve honestly found myself taking the long way around at BBQ’s to fill my plate, simply to avoid that guy, who I know, will want to drag me into the parking lot to show me the DVD player, the Barca-lounger captain’s chairs or how his van looks like a Transformer when all the doors open up simply by pushing a button.
I get it, you guys. I can see how these features may make life a bit more convenient, but I just can’t do it. I don’t want my picture to pop up on Google images when someone types in ‘Suburbia’ – standing there in my penny loafers and woven belt, holding my monogrammed Venti travel cup. But, to each his own.
I understand the struggle of driving around town once you’ve got a flock of toddlers in tow. There was once a time, in which my wife and I both enjoyed the luxury of a mid-sized crossover, but once we needed to add a third car seat, there was no where to put the dog, the stroller, the groceries – let alone any luggage if we were taking a road trip.
It began to look like a clown car and commanded the attention of onlookers in the parking lot at the strip mall, when the door opened and garments, loaves of bread and young children spilled out onto the pavement.
However, aside from buying a used assisted living shuttle bus complete with tour guide CB intercom system, your choices are pretty limited. The market for manly third-row SUV’s is thin – but they are out there.
I actually used Autotrader to drill down and find the exact things I was looking for, like oil slicks, missile launcher and ejection seats equipped with parachutes for when I get fed up with my kids asking when we’re going to be there. I even found vehicles that have implemented my cable-pulley system (patent pending) that allows you to shuttle items from the front to the back of the truck, instead of throwing Camelbaks and bags of chips at my kid’s heads with high velocity on the freeway. Just kidding, you guys, this stuff doesn’t exist. Well, at least not ALL of it.
Okay, alright, perhaps I’m living in an alternate reality, however, Autotrader did give me that drivetastic feeling, allowing me to search for important features like that third row, back-up camera and 4-wheel drive to get me through those brutal NorthEast winters. Drivetastic is that feeling you get when you find the perfect car or truck, the perfect way, using Autotrader.
I finally landed on a big ole’ 8-seat SUV/Truck.
Sure, I’m still this nudnik – driving up the eastern seaboard with a carrier AND a U-Haul attached to the hitch, but I’ve got the room, the power and similar conveniences that my good friends have with their mini-vans.
Whether you’re a monogamous gigolo with enough kids for a soccer team and outgrown your current vehicle, or you’re just looking to upgrade or downgrade, Autotrader wants you to give them a shot.
To sweeten the deal,get your full attention (not while driving, of course), and help you channel your inner-drivetastic they want me to find a few lucky people to receive a $50 AMEX gift card, PLUS a set of 5 custom air fresheners – including The Pacifier, Scent of a Gentleman, Tailpipes of Passion, Traffic Tranquilizer or the Endless Sunroof. They’re all bound to reverse the smell of fast food French fry farts or baby vomit that has currently consumed your whip.
Personally, I started stuffing these bad boys in between my kids’ diaper and his shorts, to give us an extra hour of breathing room on those long interstate voyages – but again, to each his own.
Enter the raffle below and learn more about Autotrader and Drivetastic by checking them out online or following them on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. You should also check out #Drivetastic on Twitter for more info!
Happy driving!
a Rafflecopter giveaway
I refuse to drive a mini van!!! Even having my 3rd child here in 7 days and we need a bigger vehicle since all the kids are still in carseats, I REFUSE!! I am looking into a larger suv with 3rd row so the kids will have room and still have trunk space!
I am also unwilling to go the minivan route, but we wanted a 3rd row. We ended up with the Chevy Traverse and I’m really liking it. We did a lot of searching of specs, reviews, best of lists, etc. Autotrader probably would have been a help
We older parents (50’s) made do with what we had. No mini vans for us either. Drive what makes you happy and if it works, all the better!!
LOVE my van and my SAHD hubby drives it daily
We have a minivan. I. Hate. It. It is impossible to be cool driving one. Don’t do it Adrian.
I am far from being a parent to anyone, but I am anti-minivan anyway. We grew up with SUVs and sedans, no van, and I loved it
i was never much for minivans but i only had 1 child – my preference is SUV’s
Against. The SUV is so much more comfortable!
I am for it, I have never had one but It has plenty of space. I would love an SUV too though.
I think you can get a lot of stuff in both of them, but I like the stylish SUV so much better and so comfortable!
Against. I like SUV better
I am for it. You can carry a lot of stuff and people.
I am much more for a SUV. It has more room in my opinion. I entered the giveaway under Natalie
I’m pro minivan. Life needs change and they are safe and reliable.
I’m against the mini- van.. you lose all your cool points when you own/drive one.
Your post made me laugh. We are for the minivan! People should get what works for them. We are shopping for one right now and I can’t wait until we find the right one.
Me personally prefers to the smaller SUV”s. This is a better fit for me, but the Mini-wans are great for larget families
They are okay, but I definitely don’t plan on owning one any time soon.
I’m against a mini van. I prefer a small SUV because I like the look of them much better.
I am for it! We have one and LOVE it! They seem so open and roomy!!!
I am for and against the minivan. When my children were at home, the minivan was the only way to go to get several kids in and out of the vehicle quickly and to their games. Now that that kids are raised, I don’t need a minivan any longer.
I’m Against The Mini Van Because I Don’t Have Kids And Don’t Need A Big Bulky Van.
I am against. I say truck with a vrew cab all the way. Minivans are for folks who live on easy roads and in the country a good trruck is your best friend.
https://twitter.com/AutoTrader_com did you want us to follow the USA vversion? the one you have showing looks like new zealand? http://t.co/n6qEAhaK3k
I am for them. We used to have one when I was a kid and it was very convenient.
I am all for the mini van – let the party begin.
I am for them – when you have kids it’s a must.
I am all for them – they are super convenient
#teamminivan – they are great for storage and road trips with kids
I am all for it – they are practical vehicles and really are a necessity for a growing family.
I am for minivans – they have been a real time saver in the past.
I am AGAINST the minivan, they are boring.
Not sure I can go back after making the minivan switch!