Awkward Moments

Apr26

Jump In, Your Nightmare is Warm.

3 comments

So last night, I had an absolutely wonderful dream, er, nightmare. As I stood in the darkness behind the curtain, with the laughter and crying from the performer ahead of me dying down, there was a chilling silence.  The director was making my introduction to stage and the panic hit me like a ton of

Apr12

Terrible Two’s: Easy Like Sunday Morning.

21 comments

A few days ago, a buddy of mine asked me for advice on becoming a new parent.  I told him that I was no expert… I only do what works for me.  But I didn’t want to leave him hanging, so I gave him a few of my ‘bread n’ butters’.  I told him to

Jan29

AVA FULL OF GRACE #4: Snow Your Roll.

5 comments

If I wasn’t organized, I would’ve given up a long time ago.  In trying to carry that idea into the various toy and laundry cluttered hallways of my life, I decided to go through the 56,000 pictures on my iPhoto before (my computer blasted a wet fart in the bed) I had passed the point

Mar12

OTHER PEOPLE’S PARENTS #1: The Naked Truth.

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Mama always said… “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” Well Forrest, in my house, life is a box of swinging dicks and if you don’t watch out, you might get slapped in the face.  Literally. I woke up the other day with my three year-old’s twig and

Feb21

Behind Closed Doors.

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Ava has recently learned how to open and close doors.  She’s even catching onto the locking system. Every time I hear a door slam shut, I have to chase it down like Chris Hansen’s camera crew moving in on a pedophile.  I’ve told Ava that I don’t want any closed doors in our house, I

Feb2

You’re Fired!

10 comments

It’s hard to be perfect at work.  Everyone has a goof here or there.  On occasion, I used to send emails without an attachment or forget to dial 9 to get out of the building while faxing, but things are different as a stay-at-home parent.  Making an error can have amplified consequences. Yesterday morning I

Jan27

I’m Going Out For a Bit.

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Yeah, wouldn’t we ALL like to ‘go out for a bit’.  I’ll donate an organ to sit on a folding chair in the garage, absorbing dark silence for a few minutes. Ava walked into the living room the other day while I was feeding Charlie.  She had a pair of Uggs on the wrong feet,

Jan26

Excuse Me Sir, You Have Puke in Your Hair.

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AVA:  ‘DADA. DADA. DADA.’ ME:  ‘YES, Ava, what is it?’ AVA:  ‘Charlie got sick in your hair.’ Really?  Is that what I needed right now? Run and get some paper towels for Daddy.  And a t-shirt for chrissakes, I’m on the internet.

Jan20

Get a Grip.

4 comments

Forget journaling, sex, planting a garden, aromatherapy or yoga, I found my outlet. When Jen had Ava, someone gave us the ‘Gripper’ as a gift.  Normally, I’d assume it was for folks on assisted living, to grab cans of soup from their Rascal or pick up the phone without getting off the recliner. Not true.

Jan13

I’m Just a Patsy!

5 comments

I don’t know where to go with this one. It’s been hanging out in my picture folder forever.  I’ve been too scared to post it. Ava was playing in the other room, I heard some commotion and walked into this. It crosses so many lines, I’m afraid that the Chris Hansen might show up at