The dude with the innocent smile and Incredible Hulk belt? I once got really scared and peed on your lap at the family Christmas party? I knew you’d remember.
It’s been a minute since we’ve had a sit-down. I’m a parent now and I apologize, but my Christmas list has become a tad more complicated. I’m hoping you can take a look at this and help me out this holiday season.
And if you have a minute to spare, I’d like to put in a good word for my girl, Amy, at Carriage Before Marriage. She’s that naughty kind of nice and is hoping you can bring her some cheer this season too! Here’s her list.
Okay, this is what I’d like…
1. A SIZE 34 WAIST – A few days ago, I was going through bins of old clothes in the basement, searching for some duds that the new baby might wear next month. I came across a pair of my old jeans, a 30 waist. I popped a Lexapro and curled up in the corner for a good cry. These days, I have to jump out of the kids treehouse to get into some 38’s. C’mon Santa, us big guys gotta stick together.
2. A 3-D PRINTER THAT PRINTS FOOD – All Judy Jetson had to do was punch a few buttons — the table was set and dinner was served. I read stories about people printing up stem cells and hand guns, is it too much for me to ask for a fucking pepperoni pizza and some yogurt tubes for my kids? I’m sick of cooking already.
3. FALSE BREAST DISPENSER – Since my wife’s pregnancy boobs are off-limits, I’d probably mount these in the shower and have them dispense shampoo and conditioner, at least I could get a few squeezes in here or there to keep my skill level up. However, with fragile emotions running amok, perhaps those would be best served filled with single-malt scotch. What? You don’t drink in the shower?
4. SELF-DESTRUCTING STICKERS – Last week, I pulled back the living room rug to vacuum and found a half dozen stickers stuck to the hardwood floor. This week, I realized that I was THAT asshat driving around running errands with a hundred stickers pasted to the inside of my back car windows. If Kringle could get the elves to design some stickers that incinerated or dissolved after a few hours, I could put down the razor blade scraper before I turned it on myself.
5. A PANIC ROOM WITH A TOILET – It’s been over four years since I took a shit without someone handing me their favorite DVD or holding my toilet paper for ransom while demanding fruit snacks. I’d love a cozy little panic room like the one Jodie Foster had. Forget all the survival gear and bullshit, just give me a nice, big American Standard bowl, pipe in some oxygen and give me five minutes of silence.
6. A YOUTH BIDET – If I had one of these, I wouldn’t have to help my kids wipe anymore. Got shit on your hiney? Go pop a squat over that toilet that shoots water. Viola!
7. A LIMOUSINE PARTITION – Are you kidding me? Hasn’t anyone thought of this yet? Don’t get me twisted, I love interacting with my kids, but when the repetitive questions start flowin’ and the slap fights between the car seats get embroiled, all I’d hafta do is flip a switch and hit the open road with a smile.
8. HOME VASECTOMY KIT – Self-explanatory. Don’t tell my wife I wrote this.
9. NOISE-CANCELING EARS – Forget the earphones, just give me some bionic ears with a volume and mute button.
10. REAR EJECTION SEATS FOR THE CAR – They kinda look like little fighter pilots sittin’ in the back seat in their five-point harnesses, don’t they? How many times do I have to bang my forehead on the top of the car or pinch their leg skin trying to get them in and out? It’d be much easier if I could just eject them through the roof and they could parachute down into the race car shopping cart.
11. AN ‘I DON’T KNOW’ BUTTON – I love games. ALMOST every game, except ‘The Why Game’. Why this? Why that? Why? Why? Why? I want a button on my keychain with Mr. T’s voice that just yells ‘I don’t know, fool!’
12. TELEKINESIS – I’ve been practicing for months to no avail. I’m even starting off slow by trying to bend spoons. If you could help me out, I’d be able to straighten up the house before my wife get home without moving from the sofa.
That’s it. It’s not that lofty of a list, is it?
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?
PS. Please don’t forget about Carriage Before Marriage!
PPS. I know a guy who knows a guy that can hook up rims and a cherry red matte wrap if you ever wanted to put them on your sleigh.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adrian Kulp is a blogger, author, TV producer and full-time stay-at-home dad. His first book for Penguin Publishing, a comedic parenting memoir, debuted in May of 2013. He currently writes Dad or Alive, as well as for The Huffington Post. He’s a member of Target’s Inner Circle and a contributor to Kids in the House. He most recently produced ‘Modern Dads’ for A&E and will be speaking at Dad Summit 2.0 in New Orleans in January of 2014.