I told you it was coming. Earlier this week, Amy at Carriage Before Marriage gave us ‘14 Things NOT To Get Your Wife‘ and as promised, here is everything you SHOULDN’T get for your husband this Valentine’s Day.
- Silk boxers – Do you know how sensitive our penises are? EXTREMELY. Just like they were in 8th grade, when this would’ve been a great idea. The ‘Dad Dong’ is often underused and spends long hours in captivity. A light breeze or faint graze across the bagging station at the supermarket could cause an involuntary kickstand. The last thing we need is a pup tent in our slacks during a big meeting with the partners.
- Car Wash Supplies – In theory, it’s nice to get outside and bathe in Armor All, stain your fingers with brake dust on a toothbrush rim-job and accidentally shoot yourself in the face with the hose. But the reality is that most of us don’t have the ’67 Camaro yet. We’ve got an over-manufactured lease with a ‘wear n’ tear’ forgiveness clause. Let’s save the time and money while we cruise into town and have the fundraising sorority girls’ at the bank put the ‘Cool Hand Luke’ on the sedan.
- Bike Helmet – Safety is #1. I get that. I really do. But if I’m gonna have to look like Rick Moranis riding around our neighborhood, at least consider the home team football helmet upgrade.
- Self-Help Book – If men wanted help, we would’ve starting asking for it thousands of years ago when we were dragging you gals around the cave by your hair trying to rub sticks together. But we didn’t… because we’re stubborn and dense with pride. We’re not blind to our shortcomings, we just prefer handling them on our own, preferably when no one is looking.
- Multi-bit Screwdriver – I personally have 6 of these fuckers in the garage and can’t manage to ever keep track of all the bits, let alone summon the dexterity to stuff them back inside the grip. Perhaps when I’m older I’ll be able to keep up with them, but for now they’ll rattle around inside the vacuum cleaner and stay tucked into my kids lip like a Skoal Bandit. Maybe we should conserve some of that wrist torque for later anyway, no?
- The Mankini – No matter how big your Hubs’ beef stick looks after dropping the winter weight and doing some manscaping – don’t empower us to believe we can pull this off. If you’re doubting me, have him parade around in a pair of your thongs first, just keep that car washing bucket handy in case you get sick.
- Dry Rub – When it comes to anything grilling, we want autonomy. We may not know exactly what we’re doing all the time, but God damn it if we won’t try and win the Oscar to convince you otherwise. Drop your goggles and look the other way as we spin a spice tornado in the kitchen that will later interrogate our insides with enough Scovilles to extinguish a Tucks medicated pad.
For the rest of this list, click over to Carriage Before Marriage…