Feb7

14 Things NOT To Get Your Husband For Valentine’s Day.

12 comments
February 7, 2013 |  by  |  All The Sh!t That Doesn't Fit, My Stories

I told you it was coming.  Earlier this week, Amy at Carriage Before Marriage gave us ‘14 Things NOT To Get Your Wife‘ and as promised, here is everything you SHOULDN’T get for your husband this Valentine’s Day.

  1. Silk boxers – Do you know how sensitive our penises are?  EXTREMELY.  Just like they were in 8th grade, when this would’ve been a great idea.  The ‘Dad Dong’ is often underused and spends long hours in captivity.  A light breeze or faint graze across the bagging station at the supermarket could cause an involuntary kickstand.  The last thing we need is a pup tent in our slacks during a big meeting with the partners.
  2. Car Wash Supplies – In theory, it’s nice to get outside and bathe in Armor All, stain your fingers with brake dust on a toothbrush rim-job and accidentally shoot yourself in the face with the hose.  But the reality is that most of us don’t have the ’67 Camaro yet.  We’ve got an over-manufactured lease with a ‘wear n’ tear’ forgiveness clause.  Let’s save the time and money while we cruise into town and have the fundraising sorority girls’ at the bank put the ‘Cool Hand Luke’ on the sedan.
  3. Bike Helmet – Safety is #1.  I get that.  I really do.  But if I’m gonna have to look like Rick Moranis riding around our neighborhood, at least consider the home team football helmet upgrade.Rick Moranis helmet
  4. Self-Help Book – If men wanted help, we would’ve starting asking for it thousands of years ago when we were dragging you gals around the cave by your hair trying to rub sticks together.  But we didn’t… because we’re stubborn and dense with pride.  We’re not blind to our shortcomings, we just prefer handling them on our own, preferably when no one is looking.
  5. Multi-bit Screwdriver – I personally have 6 of these fuckers in the garage and can’t manage to ever keep track of all the bits, let alone summon the dexterity to stuff them back inside the grip.  Perhaps when I’m older I’ll be able to keep up with them, but for now they’ll rattle around inside the vacuum cleaner and stay tucked into my kids lip like a Skoal Bandit.  Maybe we should conserve some of that wrist torque for later anyway, no?
  6. The Mankini – No matter how big your Hubs’ beef stick looks after dropping the winter weight and doing some manscaping – don’t empower us to believe we can pull this off.  If you’re doubting me, have him parade around in a pair of your thongs first, just keep that car washing bucket handy in case you get sick.Jerry OConnell in speedo
  7. Dry Rub – When it comes to anything grilling, we want autonomy.  We may not know exactly what we’re doing all the time, but God damn it if we won’t try and win the Oscar to convince you otherwise.  Drop your goggles and look the other way as we spin a spice tornado in the kitchen that will later interrogate our insides with enough Scovilles to extinguish a Tucks medicated pad.

For the rest of this list, click over to Carriage Before Marriage

 

11 comments
ConnieEvans
ConnieEvans

My husband and I had always manged to stay friendly after our divorce, but I always wanted to get back together with him, and he was never sure. So, I thought it was about time i make him sure! All i took is to go to the internet and i requested for a specific love help, then i found out about Dr Lawrence.The spell is working and guess what? My ex is soon to be my husband again! This is a miracle. Thank you, Thank you Dr Lawrence.You can contact him on drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com he can be of great help to you

jimbo
jimbo

i don't want to give away any secrets but guys like things that blow up (guns), things that go fast (vettes, motorcycles, carbon fiber bicycles) and things that are sexy (sandy bullock etc) pick one of those three and u will be a success.

naomirg
naomirg

seriously a bike helmet... come on... and the boxers are for home use and enjoyment :)

The Next Step
The Next Step

Do guys even WANT anything for Valentine's Day? My husband would rather I not spend money than buy him anything ever, he certainly doesn't want heart-themed anything.

Jen @ Life on the SONny Side
Jen @ Life on the SONny Side

I can not stop laughing about the Rick Moranis helmet right now. Who buys the man in their life a helmet for Valentine's Day?! And a speedo? Who are these women and how did they land a man in the first place?! Also, maybe the speedo and carwash supplies should be packaged together...

Katie
Katie

I thought dry rub meant something else!

Dana
Dana

Good luck with that co-sleeping break. :) I keep trying.. and 7 yrs later ... I still am :)

ANN MAY
ANN MAY

to the dad who lacks sleep: when our daughter was 3 months old and not sleeping through the night, the doctor told us to let her cry "do not get up and hold her"....the first night she cried, and whenever I tried to get up to get her, my husband held me back........but she finally went to sleep..... after 1 1/2 hours. The next night, she cried 45 minutes, and the following night she cried 20 minutes..........after that, she never cried when we put her to bed!! Believe me, those first 2 nights were difficult for me, but because the doctor was so strong about me NOT picking her up, I resisted and was very thankful I had! annmay47

Jim
Jim

Amazon, Best Buy, iTunes or Google Play gift cards. 'Nuff said.

Tracy @ Momaical
Tracy @ Momaical

So, the crocheted elephant boxers are still ok? Good to know.

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