I told you it was coming. Earlier this week, Amy at Carriage Before Marriage gave us ‘14 Things NOT To Get Your Wife‘ and as promised, here is everything you SHOULDN’T get for your husband this Valentine’s Day.
- Silk boxers – Do you know how sensitive our weiners are? EXTREMELY. Just like they were in 8th grade, when this would’ve been a great idea. The ‘Dad Dong’ is often underused and spends long hours in captivity. A light breeze or faint graze across the bagging station at the supermarket could cause an involuntary kickstand. The last thing we need is an impromptu pup tent in our slacks during a big meeting with the partners.
- Car Wash Supplies – In theory, it’s nice to get outside and bathe in Armor All, stain your fingers with brake dust on a toothbrush rim-job and accidentally shoot yourself in the face with the hose. But the reality is that most of us don’t have that mid-life crisis ’67 Camaro yet. We’ve got an over-manufactured leased mid-size with a ‘wear n’ tear’ forgiveness clause. Let’s save the time and money and apply those funds towards cruising into town and getting the fundraising sorority girls’ at the bank to put the ‘Cool Hand Luke’ on the sedan.
- Bike Helmet – Safety is #1. I get that. I really do. But if I’m gonna have to look like Rick Moranis riding around our neighborhood looking for my kids at dusk, at least consider the home team football helmet upgrade.
- Self-Help Book – If we wanted help, we would’ve started asking for it thousands of years ago when we were sitting around in our deerskin togas trying to rub sticks together. But we didn’t… because we’re stubborn and dense with pride. We’re not blind to our shortcomings, we just prefer handling them on our own, preferably when no one is looking.
- Multi-bit Screwdriver – I personally have 6 of these fuckers in the garage and can’t manage to ever keep track of all the bits, let alone summon the dexterity to stuff them back inside the grip. Perhaps in retirement I’ll be able to keep up with them, but for now they’ll rattle around inside the vacuum cleaner or wedge themselves into that space between the carpet and the baseboard trim. Maybe we should conserve some of that wrist torque for later anyway, no?
- The Mankini – No matter how generous we’re lookin’ South of the border after dropping the winter weight and doing some manscaping – don’t empower us to believe we can pull this off. If you’re doubting me, have your man parade around in a pair of your thongs first, just keep that mixing bowl handy in case you get sick.
- Dry Rub – When it comes to anything grilling, we want autonomy. We may not know exactly what we’re doing all the time, but hot damn if we won’t try and win a Best Actor Academy Award to convince you otherwise. Tighten up your goggles and look the other way as we spin a spice tornado in the kitchen that will later interrogate your insides with enough Scovilles to smolder a canister of Tucks medicated pads.
- Horizontal Striped Shirts – A couple more inches is always ok, isn’t it? We don’t really want to look short and fat, even if we are. Vertical stripes make us feel tall and lean like Superman. Yes, please.
- A Framed Picture of Yourself – You know that somewhat creeper (yet beautiful) picture of you sitting on a concrete fountain outside the mall with the forced smile? The one that you put in a weird acrylic frame and then wrote 4EVA on with glittery craft markers? Ummm… I don’t know how to say this, but the guys at work keep calling me ‘Dan Gallagher’ from Fatal Attraction.
- 33-in-1 Golf Club – Skymall touts that this item will ‘allow you to carry twice the number of allowable clubs in one hand’. As men, unless we’re standing next to each other at the airport or stadium urinal, we’re always looking to flaunt what tools we’re working with. A golf bag stuffed full of clubs is a badge of honor along with the lower back pains associated with carrying said bag is a rite of passage. The fact that it weighs 45 pounds and sounds like a car wreck coming down the fairway is part of the allure. We’ll get laughed out of the clubhouse if we show up with this club bearing the sticker AS SEEN ON TV.
11. Kama Sutra Pocket Nightstand Edition – The ‘us’ gift. Even with the onslaught of essential oils or encapsulated turmeric, we’re too old and not bendy enough to have sex like the ancient Hindus. The only ‘Lotus’ we can handle has four wheels (HINT: this would be a coo gift). Let us focus on what we know best; the 2 or 3 tried-and-true moves that were handed down to us in high school by watching Cinemax through the squiggly lines.
12. Digital Audio Recorder – We know you asked us to take our dirty underwear off the back of the toilet. And to clean up our tools in the garage so you can get the car in. And that you requested we stop crop-dusting people at Macy’s and cranking out dutch ovens in bed at night. We can hear you… we just sometimes pretend that we don’t. Even if we used this thing as a reminder, there’s just some shit we can’t bring ourselves to do.
13. A Necktie – Nothing screams ‘boring as fuck’ like another tie that we can look forward to spilling BBQ sauce on and pushing to the back of the closet until the next yard sale. Unless this has an after-hours, alternative sexy agenda, let’s leave that bad boy at Nordstrom Rack.
14. Coupon for a Back Rub – Even though your hands are cute as hell, you’re most likely not a professional masseuse and as much as you SAY you want to give us a sensual massage, we understand that rubbing our hair-thighs isn’t high on your priority list. Chances are that you’ll be scouring the Instagram feed or watching VanderPump Rules over your shoulder.
EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was also shared on Carriage Before Marriage by my friend, Amy Wruble. Check her out!