Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care…
…as Daddy stain-sticked his kids underwear.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, Benadryl seemed the most effective of meds.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap, hit the head which was silent…
…to take a blissful crap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter…
…I jumped off the pot to see what was the matter.
I waddled to the window in less than a flash, nearly tripped on my boxers while throwing up the sash.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a sleigh and some animals checking out my rear.
With a little old driver, “Now Dasher! now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Let’s interrupt this guys first peaceful shit, once and for all!”
As I tied off my pants, and was turning around…
…down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his feet to his head, asked me if this was a bad time, as I shook my fist and turned red…
He had a broad face and a little round belly, he asked me what in the world was so smelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, I pinched my cheeks to avoid shitting myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, the dude finally realized he should’ve called first instead,
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And filled all the stockings and made me feel like a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose, he offered me some Febreeze that smelled like a rose,
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, as I shot back to the bathroom like a Patriot missile,
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight, “Get back to your business on this quiet Christmas night!”