Apr30

OTHER PEOPLE’S PARENTS #6: How To Seduce a Mommy.

12 comments
April 30, 2012 |  by  |  Other People's Parents

This story was contributed by our good friend Amy at @cb4m – ENJOY!

It’s 10pm and you’re feeling frisky.  The mother of your children is just inches away from you in bed looking saucy in her, um, flannel pajamas.

You reach for her.  Does she:

A)  Pretend to be asleep.

B)  Slap your hand away.

C)  Tell you to get it over with quick (while still watching Khloe & Lamar).

D)  Jump on top of you, reverse cowgirl-style.

If you answered D, you can skip to the end, you big liar.   Otherwise, here are some tips on how to get a mommy interested in having sex with you.

  • TALK DIRTY:  Don’t be shy.  A little dirty talk can really put your lady in the mood.  If you’ve never done it before, here are some helpful examples.  “I put the dirty clothes in the hamper.”  “I washed the dirty dishes.” “The kids got dirty, so I gave them a bath.”  Lines like these are total panty-droppers, the dirtier, the better.
  • RUB HER THE RIGHT WAY:  Listen up, because I’m going to let you in on an ancient female secret.  Every woman has three erogenous zones that, if you rub vigorously for 20-30 minutes, will result in intense waves of pleasure.  They are:  Her back.  Her shoulders.  Her feet.  You’re welcome.
  • GET AUTO-EROTIC:  Women don’t talk about this as much as guys do, but a little ‘self-stimulation’ can really set the stage for some hot lovemaking.  When I get time alone, you know how I like to stimulate myself?  By reading the new Entertainment Weekly, watching 30 Rock and exfoliating my face.  Oooh yeah, that’s nice.  Right there.

In all seriousness, once kids are in the picture, finding the time, energy or desire to do what used to come naturally can be hard (that’s what she said).   But once you’ve done the nasty, you never regret the 15 minutes of postponed sleep.

In fact, you sleep better.  Sex releases tension, prevents arguments and generally puts everyone in a better mood, so it’s worth trying to make it happen a little more often.

If you really want to seduce a mommy, be kind to her.  Tell her she’s a great mom, even if she left the baby on the bus that one time.  Tell her she’s beautiful, even when she’s wearing yesterday’s sweatpants.  Listen to the most mundane parts of her stories with the same attention you’d give to Sportscenter on draft day.  Touch her when you’re not in bed.  Shower her with love.  Also, shower.

Now go forth and bone.

Amy has a 15-month old daughter and is trying for baby #2 so she has sex on the brain.  She hopes maybe her parents and in-laws could skip reading this post for everyone’s sake.  Amy writes the blog Carriage Before Marriage – about her backwards, but entertaining life plan.  You can follow her on Facebook HERE and also check out her Twitter feed – @cb4m – which Adrian convinced her to try, but she still doesn’t understand.

 
12 comments
April Day
April Day

I'm dying! So So hilarious...finally someone told the truth! I love it

Jason
Jason

Is it totally wrong that right before my wife and I "got to it" our son called out from his room for help and I turned to my wife and said, "Ignore him!" Does "ignore your child" constitute dirty talk?

Michael
Michael

Very funny! But it also makes all the sense in the world!

Super Dad
Super Dad

Fantastic advice! The art of seduction is never an exact science...but these tips are great and worthy of the experiment!

Millie
Millie

OMG, this is hilarious! I am going to go read all your old blog posts -- can't wait!

Karri-Leigh
Karri-Leigh

OMG.... the dirty talk is right on the money! :) amy, your blogs are so raw and honest, which is awesome because this mom doesn't have any time for BS!

M&M
M&M

We had a baby 2 months ago and my husband turns to me last night and says "We have to have sex sometime soon." I said "yeah, I know" but the tone came out like it was yet another household chore. I love this b/c I do know I have to make some effort!

Fly girl
Fly girl

Hilarious! And accurate on what really gets you going after kids are in the picture.

Whats sex?
Whats sex?

So right on! I'm sending this to my husband and all the husbands of my mommy friends!

TechMama
TechMama

I totally agree. Sex for many women is very much a mental game. If you can get us into the right frame of mind, we're all yours. In many cases this requires FIRST eliminating the multitude of concerns that constantly occupy our minds, BEFORE you even put the moves on us. For example, I always tell my husband that the sexiest thing he can do is take out the trash.