This story was contributed by our friend Brandi at @thesassymama – ENJOY!
Like many other parents, my husband and I had a deliberate conversation about committing to not swearing when our first born hit toddlerhood. I can honestly say that we did an awesome job of staying true to our word. After seven years, I now have a great repertoire of killer synonyms for the bad words. Here’s a few substitutes that roll off my tongue after years of practice:
Good God = Good Gravy!
Oh, F-bomb! = Ohhhh, Frankenberries!
Son-of-a-Bitch = Son-of-a-biscuit (borrowed from my grandmother)
Dammit! = Dagnabbit! (another goodie borrowed from my grandmother)
Shit! = Shnikees!
However, I am admittedly wearing down as my little posse is getting older and my need for dramatics is growing. As few weeks ago, I did let a “SH&T!” fly out of my mouth. SO when my daughter came racing downstairs to rat out her brother by saying, “Mooooomm! Gavin said the ‘S’ word!”, I held my breath to find out if this was the moment when it would come out that I had officially corrupted my children. She exclaims, “He said ‘shut up’!” Whew. THAT is the ‘s’ word she meant. (Secretly, no parent who enters this no-swearing pact wants to be the one to ultimately color their kids’ language. It’s like a secret long-standing competition.)
Other times when a good ol’ F-bomb would feel good include (all of which have happened to me):
- Spilling a bottle of freshly pumped breast milk
- Massive diaper explosion in the car seat…while on a highway with nowhere to pull over
- Realizing, as the bus pulls up, that you forgot to pack up the homework that you battled through with your son the night before
- Having a child throw up on the sofa while you are on the phone with a client
- Having a child throw up on you before you meet someone in public
- Having your preschooler announce that they have to go potty just moments after you’ve been placed in the coveted exam room…after waiting 45 minutes past your appointment time
I know I am not alone in this perpetual battle against profanity. Recently, I had a friend whisper to me, “Don’t you wish you could just say ‘Shut the ‘f’ up!??”. Why, yes… yes, I do. But I don’t. And I probably won’t. I am going to win the competition, dammit.
So, here’s to another year of Frankenberries!
Brandi Greygor is a working mother of two and can be heard preaching and ranting about modern motherhood at www.TheSassyMama.com. Be sure to subscribe there to receive her new free guide for moms. You can also follow her on Twitter @TheSassyMama and on Facebook at The Sassy Mama.
AManCalledDad says
A couple of sailor-mouths ourselves, the wife and I were terrified of our toddlers inevitable first swear word. We were doing fine untilt the mother-in-law dropped an “Oh, Sh#t” Never saw that one coming.
Amanda says
My niece who just turned two has been dropping Sh#t since she was about 18 months. My brother is a sailor and his wife has no better of a mouth. It is cute/funny to hear her say it, but at the same time you know it is just oh so wrong to laugh!!
Adam @ Hanging with Dad says
My best friend and his wife say “Donkey bottom” in place of a**hole. Never heard that one before.