The ‘Fonz’ was always the slickest. He rode his 500cc Triumph around town, snappin’ his fingers and reviving Arnold’s jukebox with a backhand. He smoothed over the chicks and was cool and collected. But what about with kids? How would the ‘Fonz’ handle an unruly toddler? It’s something I thought about during this past week while my wife was out of town on business. Ava and I were alone to duke it out in the octagon. Through various moments of frustration and exhaustion, I asked myself ‘WWFD’?
Here’s a taste:
SUNDAY: Ava’s afternoon nap is a fake-out. Lasts about fifteen minutes, then turns into tossing, turning and waving at me through the video monitor. After bringing her to the living room, I notice that she’s seriously disinterested in watching the Pro Bowl with me. She wants Backyardigans. We fight over whose show goes on the tiny thumbnail smart window.
MONDAY: Unloading dishes in the kitchen when I notice an eerie silence. The red flags go up, as this is the main indicator for potential trouble. Trouble confirmed after I find her dragging red and blue crayons, All-American style along the walls throughout three different rooms. The wet rag treatment resulted in massive smearing. Added ‘buy paint’ to my to t0-do list.
TUESDAY: Naptime is once again a bust. Is this kid doing meth? Why won’t she lay down? Nightfall offers a bathtime surprise when a bundle of turds are jettisoned from my kid’s butt out into the water. Just before bed, I thought it would be a great idea to spill 5,000 Israeli couscous across the counter-top and onto the kitchen floor. It only took about three seconds for Ava to eat a mouthful of starchy, uncooked pasta.
WEDNESDAY: Ava takes a day off from the nap boycotting movement, but still doesn’t let me off the hook and instructs the dog to vomit on my foot while I’m wiping her down from lunch. Washed my foot off in the tub (NOT the poop tub) and added ‘carpet stain remover’ to the list.
THURSDAY: Evidently the new trend is banging your head into the walls when you get upset. Considering giving it a try myself. Violent tantrum includes whipping her head back, which results in a giant black eye for Dad.
As you can see, somehow this week had my number. Ava too. And Cooper. And the world. But alas, I am a survivalist and at the end of the day, whatever doesn’t kill us just makes us stronger right? Take it from Little Fonzie when she says ‘Aaaaaaaeeeeeeey!’